Ever seen that movie?

It's a mystery... supposedly a vamp movie or something. Supposed to be pretty good. I got started watching it... just stopped, maybe 2/3 through it. Had to come downstairs. Hide. Breathe. Think.

I should have known any movie with a title like that would be trouble for me... but really. I didn't expect it to bring back quite so CLEAR memories of her. Voodoo and blood and murder, magic and mystery, suspicion and pentagrams and New Orleans and knives... if I'd been TRYING to disturb myself there wouldn't have been a better movie.

I miss her.

On the Ninth, I get to see her. I'm looking forward to it... can't help it. It feels as if meeting her again is something so necessary for my survival that even waiting that long is painful, hard. It feels as if I won't exist until then. The closer it comes, the emptier I become... and she will fill me.

At least, it feels that way.

But I have this horrible suspicion that I'll only be emptied completely... drained.

I've been writing back and forth a lot with the Dom, telling him about Kadin, about my life, my health, my dreams... telling him who and what I am. Trying my best to be honest with him. Why?

Because I'm going through one of my 'where do I jump' phases. Some little voice in my head keeps telling me that I'm going to have to jump, and soon. I'm scared shitless... my health, my life... hell, my MIND... it's all going, it feels like.

Some of that is just tonight, just tonight's fear... remembering Angel, remembering the way blood feels, tastes, the look of her face, the sound of her voice... there's this huge voodoo scene in the movie, and it wouldn't have bothered me if it wasn't for the presence of a girl whose actions and voice and her eyes (goddess, those eyes) remind me of Angel. And the girl wouldn't have bothered me if it wasn't for the voodoo, the blood. No one warned me about this scene... no one knew to warn me, really, but... yeah.

*sighs* I was doing so well. There had been scary stuff, violence, lots of voodoo stuff until this point... and I was holding it together, I was gonna watch the movie... hell, I was even enjoying it. It was FUN-scary, y'know? And a good movie, even if there was a bit of bad acting. But... yeah.

Her.

Why is it that although remembering her makes me shake, makes me want to hide away and stop existing, why is it that even though some of my most terrifying moments involved her... somehow, I still feel as if I can't keep going without talking to her, seeing her? Why do I miss her so much? Why is it that I feel as if I hate her... and love her...

It... gah. I feel as if I'm going insane... perhaps already there, and I just haven't noticed... it's... horrible. I hate this feeling. Not having my emotions under my own control. Not having them under ANYONE's control... they are just roaming about, causing trouble, kicking over my mental trash cans and generally misbehaving. Stupid emotions.