Cold fizzy alcopop. Yay!

It's still too damned hot here - tomorrow I go in to see my Primary Care Physician (a certain Dr. Whitehead who is amazingly good) and pray that he'll treat me. See, when you apply for coverage under the Oregon Health Plan, they ask you what division you want - translated into English, they wanna know what hospitals you like. No, the one near you is never on the list. In my case, I chose Kaiser, because Cal's dad works there, it's sort-of close, and I'd had good experiences there. The actual nearest, the Mount Hood hospital, sucks dogballs. A LOT.

Once you've applied, it's been approved, etc, you get this little green-and-white form that says you have coverage, what group or plan or division you're with, and so on. Very official. You have to have this to prove that you are indeed covered, or the hospital or clinic you go to either won't treat you (non-emergencies) or will bill you. Sometimes both - don't ask, it only happened once, they say it was a clerical error. *snickers*

If you've been following along for a while, you know that just before I left to visit Cal in California someone at the AFS office (Adult and Family Services office, keep up, no straggling please) fucked up with the computer and erased me instead of updating me as a Kaiser patient. This meant that a) Cal's father had to pay for my medication, which is NOT cheap - they say he can get it refunded once it's proven I have coverage but the bastards haven't done so yet... and b) I've got Kaiser bills sitting on the table, staring at me, and do you have any idea how damned HARD it is to get them to bill OHP after-the-fact?

So. I get home from California to discover the little green-and-white paper... with NO KAISER on it. Just an open card, which coincidentally Kaiser won't accept for most forms of medical care. I've been waiting for this damned card for months now, the coverage is now over two months overdue, and they pull this shit on me.

I am not a happy Jax.

Tomorrow I go in early, because I'm getting a ride with Robert, and I'll have at least an hour to kill... I'm going to be spending it walking back and forth between the courtesy phone and Kaiser Membership Services. And maybe the cafeteria if I can dig up some cash. I've got to make sure that this gets settled SOON - I don't have time to wait. My credit history's bad enough as it is thanks to Mount Hood fucking the bills up a few times.

I'm not even going to THINK about how few pills I have left. I have no self-control, it seems - I wake up each morning thinking that I won't take any pills, I'll save the last few (and it IS a few) for when the pain gets bad... but it's bad when I wake up, and it just gets WORSE if I don't take them. 8-10 a day. My contract with the doctor says 5 a day. You see my dilemma here. Plus the sleeplessness - I scraped up enough to get some sleeping pills and they help with both the sleeplessness and the pain, actually - they relax me enough that stuff like advil can do something.

Although now I'm out of advil and sleeping pills too.

Hi, my name is Jax, and I'm... fucked up. *sighs* I keep feeling that there must be some pill, or elixer, or distillation, or SOMETHING, to take this all away. A miracle drug. Some cure for what ails me. There's not. They still don't know what's causing the stones, they have given me nothing but painkillers and the occasional antibiotic to cure the internal infections, and then because antibiotics set off a nasty reaction, creams for sunburn and yeast. *sighs again*

Not happy. So not happy. *stretches sleepily* A lot of worries still. Every time one seems to go well, another crops up to take its place, sometimes two or three. I miss being able to just curl up in someone's arms and forget them all, even if it was just for a few minutes at a time. I miss that security.

*chuckles softly* I miss a lot of things... In the process of moving my stuff up and Eamon's stuff down, a sheaf of papers - email printouts - was uncovered. I'd thought them lost, or thrown away. Nope... most of them are there and intact. Printouts made when I was still on the coast, going to school in Astoria, wishing and praying that life would work out. If I could do it over... I'd find a way to have more money, thus a better hotel room. I'd get the room in time to decorate it, not last-minute because I was broke. I'd have a bit more gear, and a bit less self-doubt. I'd buy him chocolate. I'd kiss his ears. The one thing I wouldn't ever, ever change: he'd still fall asleep with his head on my lap, and again with his head on my shoulder. I'd still get to feel that... to watch him sleep, hear his breathing, touch his skin, his hair... stand guard over his dreaming. I wouldn't change that ever. That, those memories, were the first truly GOOD thing I can remember.

I have, at this point, forgotten where I started this entry... good thing I'm typing it in notepad, I keep accidentally hitting all sorts of the wrong keys. Very embarassing for me.

I'm going to go catch up on journals and such... if I can, I'll write more later. This is enough for now, though. *stretches, yawns, and pads off*

I need more sleeping pills, more painkillers (over- and under-the- counter), more antihistamines (the right kinds of sleeping pills actually work almost as well), a nice big bottle of Watermelon Schnapps or the equivalent (vanilla or green apple would work too, but watermelon's best)... and some muscle relaxants and a good massage. The back of my neck and my shoulder area is so tight you could bounce quarters off it. *eyes the rest of her body* Shape up, you! Take an example from Neckie there.