Wrath....

...yeah.

I'm just a LITTLE bit irritated.

I hate being threatened by ineffectual people in ineffectual ways. I hate being blamed for things I didn't do, and not getting enough credit for things I did. I HATE it when people act shocked or appalled by my behavior, by my cruelty, when I have gone out of my way to warn them, time and time again, that I AM NOT A NICE PERSON.

I'm irritated. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. And I'm damned tired. Eh.

"I've changed the way I think. I've changed the way I look at things. I'm not committment based anymore. I'm willing to understand. I've begged to understand."

Oh really? Interesting. When exactly did this happen? What changes does it mean, what difference does it make? You're still clamoring for more of my time than I have to spare right now, for attention that I am NOT going to give you, for things I can't and won't do.

"Let me spell it out for you. I haven't asked you for committment. Think dammit. For the most part I was happy before. I was trying to understand. You were trying to help with that. There was progress. Seeing the alts was a big help. You got sick and the distance screwed me up. My fault. What happened afterwards? Not a whole hell of a lot. You did what you wanted with little concern about the effects."

And you're SURPRISED? You HAVE asked me for committment. Hell, you asked me to MARRY you. You were happy, yeah... when you had most of my time and attention, when you thought you were getting more of me than anyone else. The alts, my alts? That's PERSONAL. I showed you that and you ran with it... but almost every comment out of your mouth about them has been WRONG. You so completely misunderstood... *sigh* Sick? Distance? YES. Those tend to interfere with my life on a regular basis. I haven't seen Victoria in what, nearly a year? I see Scott only when he gets up here and literally drags me out.

As for my concern about the effects... you're quite right. I have no concern. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I thought I explained that early on - I'm a drama queen. I bitch. I hurt. I whine. I cry, sometimes. I wish for a better life. But really, little details like emotions... BAH.

And they are details to me, boyo. Emotions are like a lot of things - I can't afford them. I have them in spades all on my own, I have enough trouble dealing with my own. If I spend time worrying about the emotions of EVERYONE I care about, do you know what would happen? I would never move an inch. Ever. I'd be too busy worrying. I've got enough worries right now. You're a grown man, technically. You can deal with your own emotions.

"This has gone on too long. The feelings of helplessness. Of being trapped by her whims. I'm at the breaking point and it's starting to affect my job performance. Hell....I barely got through that DSL installation. Sure, I was paid $65 a hour but my client has no idea how close I came to screwing it up because I couldn't get Jax off of my mind."

Oh, really? Quicksand.

Quicksand.

You've had more warning than most have. You've been told time and time again. I do that. I do it half the time without even realizing it... and I can't undo it. YOU can, though. Rip me out of your thoughts. Get over me. Bury yourself in someone else instead of in my shadow. "Trapped by her whims" indeed. Boyo, if you had any inkling of where my whims could hold you, you'd already be gone.

See, you're just now tasting the frustration.

Your last letter to me, the one I haven't answered yet... not the only one I haven't answered, though. That letter.

"I think I've posted my last entry into DLand. I went in there to try and work some things out and I ended up ranting toward the end. I don't want to do that. I never have. It left an awful taste in my mouth.
"I'm tired, lost and feeling along. I don't feel like I mean anything to you and it's affecting my job. I'm at the end of the road here. I want to change things. I can't do it on my own. I know I've made mistakes. I'll face up to them and I'll listen to what you have to say. So, please, say something."

I'm saying something now. Desperation. You know what it feels like, or you're starting to. Desperation. That point where you feel the quicksand finally holding you. Drowning you. Where you finally begin to accept that there is no way out.

I'm offering you a way out... and a way to sink deeper. Your choice.

It's always your choice.

Give up. Abandon any dreams you have that involve me. Hate me, ignore me, forget I exist, or curse my name. Live without me. Learn to survive alone.

...or...

...learn from that desperation. Accept that perhaps, the only 'place' - to use a word you so often bring up - you can have with me right now is a distant one... or a submissive one. Right now, that's all there is.

RIght now, I have a life of my own that I am having trouble keeping whole.

Right now, I exist for ME.

And that last bit, that won't change. I don't exist for Caleb. I don't exist for Kadin. Not for Nick or Slash, Rhett or Scott, Daris or Nreshan or Snow or Seit. None of them. Not for the lesbian who wants a date, not for Cal's parents or mine, not for Brandy or Juliet or ANYONE else.

I exist for ME.

And either you exist for YOU, worry about YOU, and go on with your life... or you exist for me as well.

Do you really want that?

Thought not.