Past Mistakes and Future Problems
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So every now and then I have one of those days when I realize all over again that yes, I am a World Class Idiot. This is one of 'em. What stupid thing have I done now? Oh, nothing much... just taken back a slaveboy that I swore I'd not touch again, I gave him too many chances already... and now I'm stupidly giving him another one.
Why am I doing this? Because I know how much he hurts. Because when he tries, he can REALLY get me going, he pleases me. Because he needs me.
Gah. Pathetic. I want to be wanted, I need to be needed... and this boy wants and needs me more than anyone except perhaps Kadin. It's very sad. He REALLY needs to get a life... but until he does... I feel almost obligated to at least TRY to put up with him.
Ok, it's prob'ly better than I just painted it. The boy really is sweet... and I know he wants to please me. He would give his eye teeth if I asked for 'em.
*sigh* So why do I feel like I'm making a mistake? Simple. I don't WANT him as a slave right now. I've got enough problems on my mind, enough people in my life. Enough slaves. I've got Kadin, and Elru sometimes, and Nreshan, and hell, even Shard and Lachdanon and every now and then Drake... it's just nuts. I don't NEED another slave. I certainly don't need another sissyboy - those type usually bore me to tears. I like the ones with a bit of fight in them, the ones who struggle when I want it, who serve when I want it, the ones with more imagination than a maid's uniform and a pair of leather cuffs... you know?
Gods, I miss my kitten... of all the slaves I've had, he is the only one who perfectly matched what I needed in a slave. Matched? *winces* Matches. NO past tense. I may not see him much but I WILL have him.
*sighs* And there's the root of another problem. I keep being afraid that I'll forget him, that I'll not be there for him, that I'll... gah. That I'll loose him.
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*pouts, stamping her foot* I want my kitten, dammit!
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