Now... here ya go:

Yesterday was...arguably one of the longest days of this boy's life, despite having taken several short naps. To start off, there was te forced 20 minute run...*shivers* In high school, he remembers something every student dreaded, called the 12 minute run. More than half the class was invariably reduced to walking at some point, and at least one person usually passed out. Your pet, Rahani, was always one of the better runners for pacing himself, and so fell into neither of those catergories, but was always exhausted nonetheless. After 20 minutes...the jog you'd allowed him as a minimum pace was reduced to a half-blind stumbling. He never once walked, though, nor stopped. Your orders are more important to him than that. His legs still hurt from it.

I know how much running hurts if you're not used to it, and I know he's not used to it. I had guessed him able to stand 10 minutes easily, 15 with difficulty... and so set it at 20. I made sure that he would find his task difficult, that it would be a challenge. I am not easy on my slaves.

Mind, there is reason for this - if I were too easy, their slavery would become merely a token thing, done in words alone. I know Kadin is mine because I can do things like this... I can drive him hard, work him to the edge of exhaustion and beyond, and he will do it for me. FOR ME. It's why I know Caleb loves me, why I know he too is mine... he helps me when I need it, he does things, he listens... he's there when the chips are down. This is something important, this willingness to give. I know that at least here in my journal, you don't see much of me giving... but I would lay down my life for my boys. They've earned that loyalty, they have earned the right to make demands. It's odd... but my slaves can ask more of me and expect more of me than some of my best friends and closest lovers ever could. Because they give themselves to me, I can hardly refuse to give of myself to them if they ask. *smile*

In addition to that, it really IS good exercise for him. Something else I try to do is take care of my own... I don't think Kadin gets much exercise and so I arrange some for him. *wry grin* If I thought he was starving, I would have made sure he ate more. If he was sick, he wouldn't have had such harsh orders... rather, he would be told to take care of himself, to drink plenty of liquids, etc.

You'd told him to spend as much time as possible yesterday alone, silent, thinking, curled up in some corner or on his straw bed.

This is the sort of task I enjoy setting for a slave... something that calls on the slave's imagination as well as their physical being. Something that takes mental effort. As I'm sure you know, I enjoy roleplaying, playacting, and so on... having a slave learn to visualize difficult, unpleasant, or physically impossible situations is something that is well worth the time and effort it takes. It allows me to go further in controlling their reality, their emotions and sensations... it allows them to experience more than would otherwise be possible, to live out daydreams and fantasies in ways that aren't 'realistic'.

He thought that you meant as much time as circumstances allowed. He never dreamed that what was possible would depend on himself. That he would get so tortured that he simply couldn't endure any more. He's spent as much time alone with nothing to do before...probably, it was the necessity of focusing on it that made it so difficult. Your slave assures You, Rahani, that he did the very best he could for you. He prays that that is enough to please You, to earn Your pride.

This... THIS, I know how hard it was.

I had told him that to earn back his collar, he would face a three-part physical challenge, a three-part mental challenge, and a three-part emotional challenge. He still has the physical portion to complete, most of it anyway (I am tempted to let that run count as one section of the physical tests)... he had passed the mental part... and here, he begins to take on the emotional challenges. The three strongest emotions I can induce in him, unpleasant emotions, are terror, loneliness, and guilt/regret. The terror will come in time, linked to the physical more than likely... the guilt or regret, that's something that I will have to do directly, with my voice. But the sensation of being alone, being solitary, silent... that, I can draw out of him thusly.

I'm actually quite proud of him, not just because he did it but because he so willingly acknowledges his weaknesses, he communicates. When an order upsets him, he lets me know. When something I do makes him happy, he shows it. He is very expressive, a trait that I am still working on and that I admire. One of the most useful skills a slave, or any person, can develop is the ability to communicate accurately, quickly, and thoroughly. What he says above is an excellent example of this skill in action. He states clearly how he felt... WHY, in his opinion, it was hard... what he did, what he was experiencing... he makes it easy to understand what portions of the orders hurt him the most, what parts were simple.

He communicates effectively, and I treasure this. It is something I encourage in my slaves. It is why people like Hida, Talia, and Nreshan caught my eye so thoroughly... why I enjoy talking to Arrasto, why I still have 'a thing' for Rhett. It's why I love Caleb, why I love Kadin, why I love Nick. They communicate. They express themselves. They make it almost EASY to understand them, and when I understand them, it's easier for ME to find ways to please them, to express myself to them, and so forth.

He also prays that he'll be able to talk to you tonight. He misses you, the feeling only intensified by his enforced lonesomeness yesterday.

If you've been reading along, then you know I miss him too... have missed him, will miss him... I love him, and it's things like this that remind me why. He is an excellent example of what a GOOD slave can be, what a pleasing slave is. He is, as far as I know, one of the best examples for any other slave that I will ever find. I am indeed proud to own him.

I love you, Mistress. iri dehan Lient.
~your slave, Kadin

*soft smile* I remember the first time I said "I love you" to him. I remember when he replied, how it felt. I remember the first time I heard his voice say it... and the first time I saw the truth of it in his eyes. This... all my boys, all my loves over the years, all the people I have cared about... I remember this about them. I remember how it first felt to say "I love you", and in some cases... I remember how it felt when it stopped being the truth. *sighs* I pray it never stops with my boys. If I get one wish in life it is this, that I will love them and they me until the end of time and beyond.