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Previous - this entry written on 2001-08-03 at 5:56 p.m. - Next Many times I've tried to tell you, many times I've cried alone Always I'm surprised how well you cut my feelings to the bone Don't wanna leave you really, I've invested too much time To give you up that easy, to the doubts that complicate your mind We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better We belong, we belong, we belong together Maybe it's a sign of weakness, when I don't know what to say Maybe I just wouldn't know what to do with my strength anyway Have we become a habit, do we distort the facts Now there's no looking forward, now there's no turning back, when you say We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better We belong, we belong, we belong together Close your eyes and try to sleep now, close your eyes and try to dream Clear your mind and do your best to try and wash the palette clean We can't begin to know it, how much we really care I hear your voice inside me, I see your face everywhere, still you say We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better We belong, we belong, we belong together --- Pat Benetar --- Are the sins getting staler Does every moment move past you Or does it feel like forever And shouldn't you be laughing too? Take a look how they found you Take a look what they've done to you now What was it they wanted Sullen and haunted? If only you saw it coming How far down would you fall If you never came up again 'Cause you're so sick of it all And you want to change everything Just how deep will you go To see through it all? If you could consume her Would you say you were finding your way out? Is anything coming clearer Smashing your mirror? Still you can see you're guilty Coming closer my composure turning inside out in her Calling home all alone You can call I won't answer Any question in my head Remains until you feel the same Never telling how I felt is all I ever cared about --- Finger Eleven --- Depression. Lots of fun. Love. Bullshit. Hunger... neverending. Fear... always building. Funny stuff, song lyrics. They can be perfectly cheerful one day, then perfectly horrible the next. They can push you up, pull you down, spin you around, and hang you out to dry. I never remember how much I need my music until I don't have it. "Don't know what you've got 'til it's gone..." ...or so the song goes. Music. Fuck it. I just got done ruining something precious, again. You'd think I would figure this out, that I might actually UNDERSTAND after the tenth or so time... but then again, this isn't the tenth time, is it? It's only the third. The third. Three of them. Do I need three mistakes haunting me? Do three people need to be torn apart because of me? The kitten's reading over my shoulder and he seems confused... odd. Third one to be confused, too. I say it. I show it. I f'ing RUB THEIR FACES IN IT and try to explain... but it doesn't work. I'm not direct enough. Or too direct. Or use the wrong words. I don't know what it is, although this time I suspect I'm just not explaining it clearly enough. Let me try this: Jax fucks up people she cares about. On, apparently, a regular basis. Anyone out there gonna disagree? Scott, who ended up in debt, who now has an adoptee daughter running around out there, who got introduced to BDSM through me? Slash, who spent two years in depression, missing me, brokenhearted half the time and outraged the other half, who still isn't over me and maybe never will be? Rhett, who was stupid enough to submit to Evil, to let himself be bruised... and who still comes back, looking for more, every now and then... letting my frenzies feed his? Caleb, sweet and loving, who gets walked on, looked over, who is just as depressed as Slash, shows it less, and is more likely to act on it? Alex, who traveled across two countries to meet me and ended up loosing a large chunk of his 'normal', stable life because of it? Or maybe Seit, dreaming about a life she's not likely to have... Daris, raging out and not finding any comfort in me... how many others get added to this list? Do you get the picture yet? Do I have to be any clearer? "The Only Time", by NIN... here, have some more lyrics: i'm drunk. and right now i'm so in love with you. and i don't want to think too much about what we should or shouldn't do. lay my hands on Heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars. while the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car. Chorus: nothing quite like the feel of something new. maybe i'm all messed up. maybe i'm all messed up. maybe i'm all messed up in you. maybe i'm all messed up. maybe i'm all messed up. maybe i'm all messed up. maybe i'm all messed up in you. maybe i'm all messed up. this is the only time i really feel alive. this is the only time i really feel alive. i swear. i just found everything i need. the sweat in your eyes the blood in your veins are listening to me. well i want to drink it up and swim in it until i drown. my moral standing is lying down. Chorus to end --- Nine Inch Nails --- Yeah. Been there. Done that. And, for some gawdaweful reason, I seem to cause it. MAKE IT STOP! Devotion... hm. Obedience... hm. Obsession. THERE's the word I want. Obsession. I'm not worth it. Get the hell OVER it. I... I don't want him gone. Don't want any of them gone. But at least I'm still sane enough to recognize how insane all of this is. How foolish. Why would anyone want to have their life torn apart, just for me? Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven - - Do Not Feed The Moose - |
