I've been feeling masochistic over the last few hours... not in a sexual way, not in a sensual way, but in the way that I remember feeling when I was a lot younger and still unclear as to why life sucked and what I wanted to do about it.

My dad (who owns a construction business he started himself) built my sister and I a treehouse... when I say treeHOUSE I mean it, this had glass windows, a locking door, electricity for the lights and the heater, shingles on the roof, carpet, the whole nine yards.

When life had gotten particularly horrible, usually after 4-5 bladder infections in a row, I'd spend a night up there... and drape thin chain over the heater, leave it there until the end closest to the heating coils was hot enough to hurt, then drape it over me. Left some lovely marks.

I did it because in a way, it gave me control again. It let ME be in charge of the pain I was feeling, it let ME decide what hurt, where, and for how long.

That's the sort of masochistic I'm feeling now. Not that I WANT to hurt... but if I'm going to be hurting anyway, I want to be the one to make it happen. I want to cause the pain.

A large chunk of my sadistic urges also spring from this, my need to control what's going on. I guess it's a good thing Kadin isn't down here right now.

I'd be taking this out on him.

I don't think he could handle what I've been dreaming up, tonight.