I am also fairly excited... I stuck it out through Crucible last night, ALL the way through, and tonight I hope to make it all the way through D&D. How exactly do I plan to accomplis this?

Err... drugs, mostly.

See, it occurred to me that Bulemia is easier, Anorexia is cheaper... but diet pills keep me awake for three days straight, and right now, that might be a good thing.

Err.

Yeah.

You know those self-destructive tendencies I rant about sometimes? Funny, I know 'em too. They won't leave me alone today. Drove around for an hour and a half... found out that to get the tattoo I want from the place I want it, it'll cost between $100 and $150. Found out that the place I go to get herbs is closed on Sundays. Found out that I still do hate irritating hispanic boys with their pants nearly down to their knees and their hats on backward who throw rocks at cars.

Found out that I still firmly believe I'm not getting laid.

Found out WHY I believe this.

The phrase "not pretty enough to be a whore" keeps echoing through my head. Song fragment. Statement. Damned if I know which.

But yeah.

Having... a day. Or more.

Erm.

I find myself wanting to avoid the people I care about, to run from the people I love... to go find some cheap, tacky bar or walk through downtown, just... I don't know. Proving something that I can't (or won't) put into words.

I want to believe that if I were suddenly out on my arse, it'd be ok.

And the main reason I want so desperately to believe that is that I have this nagging feeling that I AM going to be out on my arse... and that it WON'T be ok.

Trust? I think not.

I wish I knew what triggered this. I know it's not just that I miss my boys, my Caleb. I know it's not just my mother. I know it's not just the weather, or my hormone balance, or any one of a hundred other things that could be affecting it. There isn't any one simple answer that I'm aware of...

...just...

...gods. Have I mentioned I need to get laid?