It's true.

If ever, EVER, she calls me... I'll come running like a goddamned well-trained lapdog. It's actually rather disgusting.

But if she doesn't call me... neh. Her choice, yes?

And it might be for the best if she doesn't.

Yes, I'm just sort of rambling here... I have nyQuill in my system, some serious mental issues, I just woke up from a series of bizarre dreams, and after getting the letter I did from Kadin, I am REALLY worrying about him.

So I'm pouring it all out here, because really, isn't that what a journal is for... among the ten million other uses, anyway?

I'm very tired. And very dizzy. I've eaten today, and eaten quite a bit, it feels like... a full bowl of stew and two english muffin halves with margerine and honey on them. Plus two pickled green beans. Now if I can just keep from eating anything else for a while...

...I keep saying that. Then I keep finding things to eat.

But today I have tricked my stomach: they are ordering pizza upstairs and I told them not to order any of it without cheese. So that's one potential source of junk food gone, thank the gods.

If I can't stop eating briefly, soon, I'm going to be very disgusted by myself. I want to prove to myself, for myself, that I have the willpower to stop.

It's a lot like alcohol... or pot... or sugar... or just about anything. I have to be able to prove to myself that I can stop, at least briefly. That I'm still doing whatever-it-is because I WANT to, not because I'm addicted.

This is a big thing with me.

Dunno why... just another example of Jax-is-fucked-up, I guess.

Yeah, I'm slightly depressed. Sorry.