*shrug* It doesn't work that way. He IS trying, I know it... how do I explain that trying and failing isn't always enough, that sometimes there has to be more, that I need more? How do I justify that?

Some days I can just say 'Hey, I'm a bitch' and it's enough. Some days I don't need to justify anything, I can do whatever the hell I want, include enjoy myself and demand a bit of actual FOCUS from people rather than just casual, passing attempts. Some days I'm just fine.

I wasn't fine last night, wasn't fine this morning, or today. This... gods. I haven't had 24 hours this bad in months, and that's actually saying something. I hurt, a lot. I know I wasn't going to say it, but I can't help it. I'm in enough pain that I want to go see a doctor, but I don't dare. They will either tell me I'm faking it if it's too early to see, or they will give me more meds and I really need to get off of them. So I'll wait, and drink lots of water, and maybe it will go away.

I woke up at 5:00 this morning. Caleb had promised we would go do stuff, I had phone calls to make, lots of things... I woke up paranoid that something had happened to him because he hadn't come wake me. I ran upstairs, worried... and he was just hanging out up there talking. He'd decided to just let me sleep. Last night the only thing that seemed at ALL good was that he'd promised we would go out for a picnic, go be together.

And he didn't even bother to wake me.

And now... I finally get online and there's a message from Nre, and I find myself in tears to match his, and I DON'T KNOW WHY! I want to go back to being strong, but I seem to have left that somewhere, I don't know where.

I would give anything to have Kadin here right now. All I want, all it feels like I need, is my slave... hell, it's coming close to the ANY slave point, where I need SOMEONE, someone I can hurt or hold, use or protect, someone who belongs to me and who I can actually trust. I don't have anyone like that here, right now. Gah.

*sigh* I'm starting to sound pathetic.

Maybe I'll write more later.

Maybe not.

I really don't care... right?