Review Of A Porn Flick
Previous - this entry written on August 24, 2004 at 7:03 am - Next


To repeat my previous entry: people should update. Particularly Adesh and Nreshan.

That said: this is a conversation had while Caleb and I were watching a DVD he'd picked up somewhere. The fact that we were watching this WHILE I was online really says something, yes. This... heh. We stopped halfway through.

Read.

Warning: not appropriate for the easily-offended, easily-confused, or otherwise incapacitated.

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Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Good luck?

Darth Rosenburg: heh, yah...but all things considering they are all the people that were there aside from you and caleb so even if i DID do something really bad at least they weern't strangers ^_^;;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: From the disclaimer on the porn I am about to semi-watch: "...cat in a minivan..."

Darth Rosenburg: O.o from a disclamer on a porn tape/dvd?!?

Darth Rosenburg: *is verry afrade*

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: *nod*

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: It is, so far, a very disturbing porn.

Darth Rosenburg: O.o wow...od?

Darth Rosenburg: odd?^

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Yes.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Latex, buttfloss, and dueling nipples.

Darth Rosenburg: *laugh/sputters* okaay...O.O;;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Also, everyone is hissing.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Constantly.

Darth Rosenburg: *blinks alot* veryy verry odd O.O;;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: One of the girls has a tongue piercing, the other one appears to have a winnie-the-pooh-with-batwings tattoo on her shoulder.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Also, the guy keeps saying "God Bless Europe" a lot between hissings.

Darth Rosenburg: LMAO

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Aha, now it's a distance-spitting competition between blowjobbing.

Darth Rosenburg: >.< LoL

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: "zoosex, zoosex, make her fuck me" says the man...

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: ...now all three are naked and hey, suddenly his balls are shaved.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Drive-by trimmings or something.

Darth Rosenburg: LOL

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Oh. Fourth person, male, with duct tape and a double-ended dildo.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: He appears to be taping the dildo to her thigh. Not in her. ON HER LEG.

Darth Rosenburg: >.< LoL ;_;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Oh, NOW he tries to put it in, after rubbing chocolate sauce all over it. So now there's one girl with a dildo duct-taped to her leg...

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: ...and another girl sitting there looking REALLY confused.

Darth Rosenburg: understandable...LoL

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: She's now facedown on the couch, holding onto the high heels of her shoes, her head over the sofa arm sucking someone off... the other girl is trying to wiggle the duct-taped dildo but keeps accidentally pulling it out instead.

Darth Rosenburg: >.< LMAO

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Winnie-the-pooh in all his batwinged glory is quite visible, and yes, yes, they are back to target-practice spitting!

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: She's got lousy aim.

Darth Rosenburg: *is about to die of laughing* ;^_^;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Oh, you should hear the guy... "Fuck a duck", "somebody needs to play with your ass since you're around here"...

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: ...all in this really silly Aussie accent.

Darth Rosenburg: ack! >.< LoL

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: It's like 'The Crocodile Hunter Does Anal Sex'.

Darth Rosenburg: >.<

Darth Rosenburg: how verry wrong ^_^;;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Ok, so now duct-taped-girl is on the bottom, the other girl on top of her, the guy on top of them both, and none of them seem to actually be able to stay in the same position for more than about a minute.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: My god, she's spitting ON HIS EAR!

Darth Rosenburg: ick

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Why is it that they make the girls shave but the guy can be all hairy?

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: I mean, they somehow magically dilapidated his balls but the rest of him is Bear City.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Maybe that's why the tattoo girl got chosen for this shot.

Darth Rosenburg: who knows?..............tht's really the hell creepy O.O;;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: They are turning target spitting into a full-body sport at this point...

Darth Rosenburg: LoL >.<

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Heh... the duct-taped girl's dildo slipped out at some point and now it;s just wiggling around on her leg.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Oh, hey, another tattoo, a lion with wings.

Darth Rosenburg: ooh neat ^_^

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: I swear, if I didn't KNOW this was a porn I'd think it was some sort of movie about alien snake people disguising themselves as humans to procreate.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: They just WON'T STOP HISSING!

Darth Rosenburg: how odd

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: They can all three be doing absolutely nothing and boom, hissing.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Who the hell wears 6" spiked heels to a porn shoot? She's nearly gutted the other girl twice now.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Oooh, the guy has a REALLY cool dragon tat winding around his wrist and a little bit up his arm.

Darth Rosenburg: ACK?!? that must be uncomfortable o.<

Darth Rosenburg: the shoes^

Darth Rosenburg: dragon niftyness ^_^

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: And for some reason dildo-and-tape girl is looking like she's pulling teeth and one of the other people (can't tell which) keeps slapping her in very odd spots.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: I think they ran out of saliva and had to content themselves with slapping.

Darth Rosenburg: LoL O.O;;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Wait, that's not a lion with wings... I think it's a bulldog. With pot leaves for wings.

Darth Rosenburg: O.o;;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: No, too much tail. Can't be a bulldog.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Caleb says they';re definitely wings, not leaves.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: I swear, she's going to kill someone with those shoes...

Darth Rosenburg: probbly

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: ...also, her leg is stretched so tight you can see the tendon in the knee.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: I think one of the girls just tried to spit directly UP and got it on her nose.

Darth Rosenburg: ack!

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Now she's not doing anything but alternating hissing, moaning, and briefly fingering herself.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Except she seems to keep forgetting the fingers and just leaves them still.

Darth Rosenburg: O.o what a strange porn movie

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Also, the guy can't cum worth ANYTHING. Like, three drops. And then the girls get all excited and start spitting on each other again.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: This is VERY silly.

Darth Rosenburg: sounds like

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Yeah, go ahead, lick her on the eyes, that's REALLY attractive.

Darth Rosenburg: ick >.<;;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: OK, blonde chick on a pool table in teeny tiny black leather strappy things.

Darth Rosenburg: LoL

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: And again with the insane high heels.

Darth Rosenburg: scary o.o

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Is it some sort of rule that all porn girls have high heels surgically attached or something?

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Oh. Yes. She's straddling a railing and apparently getting off on it.

Darth Rosenburg: i donno....maybe?

Darth Rosenburg: O.o

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: How many stairs ARE there... she's been walking up them for, like a minute and a half now.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Wow. More stairs.

Darth Rosenburg: the starway of/to infinity?

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Oooh, she's on a chain leash...

Darth Rosenburg: ^_^

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: ...and has more of that whole buttfloss thing. We have been promised that she will have dildos strapped to her thighs - plural - and she has barbell piercings on her nipples.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: And really really REALLY tiny breasts.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: As in, my DOLL has more breasts.

Darth Rosenburg: O.o how odd

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: She's not so much hissing as gagging, and occasionally screaming, but the men are doing plenty of hissing for her.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Her hair's a REALLY tacky dye job.

Darth Rosenburg: blah o.o

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Nice boots, though I really want to know why she's holding onto the heels as if they're crown jewels or something.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Black patent leather, straps all over them...

Darth Rosenburg: sounds nifty

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: ...they are trying to fit two dicks into her mouth, and failing abysmally. One of the guys keeps going soft, the other one keeps pushing too hard.

Darth Rosenburg: b-movie porn?

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Apparently.

Darth Rosenburg: odd

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Dildo number one in her pussy - it's this purple snake thing, HAH, they ARE aliens... it is now duct taped in place. Second snake, this one blue, now being duct taped to her other thigh.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: With WAY more tape than they need.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: She looks like something out of a tentacle/plumber porn.

Darth Rosenburg: they need to spend th excess money somehow, so, ducktape

Darth Rosenburg: that's a verry wrong thought ^_^;;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: They should have spent it on better set design.

Darth Rosenburg: or better actors?

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: They have a duct tape obsession. Better actors would be nice, maybe ones who didn't move like robots, or who would fucking STOP HISSING...

Darth Rosenburg: LoL yah

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: ...I swear, I'm writing this up and titling it "Attack Of The Plumbers' Snakes From Mars".

Darth Rosenburg: roflmao

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: One of the people involved is there, in the picture... but doesn't have sex, just does all the duct taping.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Maybe he has some sort of tape fetish.

Darth Rosenburg: maybe?

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: WOW... when this scene started she looked like a nearly-supermodel... and her makeup has run off and been rubbed off and she's covered in pimples and has huge shadows under her eyes.

Darth Rosenburg: ick!

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Also, she seems completely unable to find any orifice on her body without help.

Darth Rosenburg: how rather odd

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Seriously, she was trying to get one of the guys inside her and kept aiming him at her leg where the duct tape was.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Maybe it was an unsubtle hint... they've removed the duct tape now.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Ooh, she's got a really cute bellyring that I just now saw.

Darth Rosenburg: neat ^_^

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Also, why does the commentator/duct tape freak keep referring to the act of taping a dildo into a girl's ass as a, and I quote, Love Story?

Darth Rosenburg: lol wtf?!

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Serious. Twice now.

Darth Rosenburg: creepy O.O

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: He announces the Arrival Of The Tape and says that it's such a beautiful Love Story...

Darth Rosenburg: maybe he dosen't really speak english?

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Possibly. Either that or he's been licking too much duct tape.

Darth Rosenburg: lmao

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Caleb is amused by this all, he says it's a truly unique form of entertainment:

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: The porn is terrible, we're both laughing and MST3k-ing it, he's tipsy, and male so he's a bit aroused anyway...

Darth Rosenburg: it does sound rather amuseing

Darth Rosenburg: lol ^_^;;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Wow, that is the second ugliest carpet I've ever seen.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: It's a very dirty teal. With cumstains.

Darth Rosenburg: ick

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Now everyone has gone from hissing to 'om'.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Tibetan monk porn suddenly. "Ommm, ommmm, ommmm, *sudden hiss* ommm..."

Darth Rosenburg: as in 'OOOoooommmmmm?'

Darth Rosenburg: that's WAY creepy/amuseing ;^_^;

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Oh, hey, the guy's another three-drop wonder.

Darth Rosenburg: O.o freaky

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: ...and the other guy seems to have a thin plastic hose along the side squirting water... since the stuff isn't coming out of his actual COCK.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Ooooooh, white leather boots up to her knees!

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: (new girl now)

Darth Rosenburg: neat ^_^

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: http://mustang-chaser.deviantart.com/

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Look at the pictures of her, age them about... ten years... and turn her into a bondage freak with white leather high-heel gogo boots.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Aha. There is now a second girl... oh. Wait, no. That's a guy. I think.

Darth Rosenburg: O.o

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Yep, definitely a guy. And more with the spitting thing.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Haven't these people heard of Astroglide??

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Nice panties, though... blue lace with little sequiny bits. And she has freckles on her ass.

Darth Rosenburg: probbly not if their snake aliens, snake aliens have no astroglide

Darth Rosenburg: sad fo rthem

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Tragic.

Sex With Lawn Gnomes: Gonna go snuggle caleb for a bit, it's nearly 4 and he has to work tomorrow. Back in a while, likely.

Darth Rosenburg: okays

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