Greed, Hormones, Heat, and Hell Freezing Over
Previous - this entry written on July 21, 2003 at 6:26 pm - Next

I have alternate diaries. Several of them. I could (and maybe should) post this entry in them but y'know what? No. No alternates, no clear divisions of ego, no half-hidden morals in unfinished stories, none of that crap.

I haven't been online in a while, did you miss me?

There's an entry written just a few hours ago, a half-promise and a pawful of words I would have killed for. No need to kill, and yes, those words are enough to ease so very much of the worries and wonders I felt last night, staring west into the darkness and for a few minutes unaware of the people physically present, remembering instead a few nights ago, and a few years ago, and a few lifetimes ago.

*shrugs* So here, why not put it down in black-and-white?

Last night, when I was trying to figure out WHY I couldn't focus on the here-and-now at all, I did a tarot spread: the Ace of Cups in Earth, Two of Cups in Air, Nine of Cups in Fire, The Devil in Water, and for the soul of the problem? The Empress. *wry grin* Yes, I'm missing her still and all over again and DAMMIT, between heatstroke and the approach of seizures (which since I've been averaging only three amatryptaline a day for the last couple weeks should say something) and period cramps and various stresses... yeah. I want to go back to where life is simple. The coast is in so many ways hellish, but it's got simplicity going for it. One person to hate, one person to love, and everything else is NOT OVERHEATING background noise. It's insulated.

I won't be going back, not for anything other than visits. I know myself better than to think I could really live there again and cope with small-town hell. I need to be here.

Please note, so far the only person directly mentioned other than me (an' it's my journal, so you'll just have to cope with that one) is the girl/woman that I'm missing. We're about to change that:

Caleb and Kadin will be here in person soon enough. Although I am missing them as well I have at least SOME contact and they're more-or-less ok. I'm not truly WORRIED about them, not to the degree that some more immediate problems are worrying me. What problems?

Well, there's Ryan. I keep forgetting how impossible a sub I am to live with - I'm constantly demanding attention, I need a decent pawful of Moments Of Firmness and Discipline, and I have a tendency to turn into UberBitchFromHell whenever I think I need to get my own way or, to be honest, whenever I just WANT my own way. If I don't have a partner who can actually put their foot down... use a phrase that came to mind earlier today, I have no interest in submitting to a door mat. And when I get to the point where I have to wake up and smell that particular cup of coffee, it brings with it the donuts of Needing To Be Domme and more often than not, the grapefruit of Not Getting Laid. Funny how often my life becomes a nearly-complete breakfast of annoyance and stuff.

Fish, I'm starting to get even more frustrated with that. This is NOT good for a few reasons that I won't go into here but which should be self-obvious to anyone involved, which is part of why I won't go into it - no need to air the details of my dirty laundry when waving just one t-shirt around in the air somehow has the same effect.


And yes, I'm still missing those CDs. *wry grin* My subconscious is an evil plotting bitch and apparently is determined to get me back to the coast for a visit damned soon. Not that I actually disapprove of that. Have I mentioned how Very Fucking Hot it is right now? It's starting to drive me completely up a wall, I'm dehydrated and lethargic and queasy all the time, I can barely stand to come out of a darkened corner during the day.

I'll be checking my cards and notebooks and figuring out my next few weeks' medical appointments, then posting them here hopefully. I have no intention of forgetting them.

Gods, but I'm tired right now. At least Not-A-Finger is still alive and updating. The world would be a miserable place otherwise. I don't have a functional computer - I'm typing this out on Grr's computer, and missing my music and links and webcomics and graphics and a zillion little details - and going slowly mad. I want chocolate ice cream and red meat and fresh fruit and a bag of white bread. I want to listen to my music somewhere with air conditioning and comfortable furnature and a good book. I want to be reassured, however briefly, that it will all be ok.

Also, I want lunch. I'm hungry. I'll go eat, and take painkillers, and try to finagle a seat in front of one of the fans, and REALLY hope Rhi doesn't take off her diaper and shit on the floor again. Can you tell the whole household needs a night out?

Most of all, I want my boys, ALL of them, Caleb and Kadin and Torian and Ryan, as well as Becca and Angel and Rie-est and Grr and Bug and Rhett and Scotticus and John and Jon and Thomas and Alan and Bink and April and Molly and Tyson and Nreshan and Talia and Meganlala and anyone else I'm forgetting and enough alcohol to get us all drunk twice over along with lots of good, easy-to-eat food. I want everybody to spend time just hanging out, all of us, getting to know each other and having reunions and introductions and most of all, the MOST IMPORTANT PART:

I honestly think that in such a situation, with so many people and an entire night to ourselves with nothing to do in the morning but be lazy... I think that when you come right down to it, everyone would be pretty content. Things might change in the morning, in the weeks after and months after, the whole world rearranging itself, but for one night I would know that everyone I care about is ok and that they'd all finally met and talked and that dammit, none of us was alone.

I want to stop feeling alone, and 'cos my head works this way, I want everyone else therefor to stop feeling alone too. I want us all here.

Yeah, I'm kinda greedy that way.

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