Argh. How can you NOT know what 'soft' means?
Previous - this entry written on July 24, 2003 at 10:14 pm - Next

I keep having a ton of things I want to say and not a damned thing I can do to get them out. I'm borrowing Grr's computer again, both arms aching from wrist to elbow from needletracks, my head pounding, overheated, dehydrated, frustrated, impatient, tired, hungry... I want to go back to being the Jax I was the first year or so that I knew Caleb. I wasn't perfect but dammit, I had a life and I didn't feel this horrible. I was thinner, I was content, I felt like I existed. Of late, the only times I feel as if I'm real are the times that apparently tweak out Ryan, Becca, sometimes Grr... dammit, DAMMIT!

I want to go Out, and yet I want to curl up here.

So I've been thinking... trying to figure out some way to do the following plan: after Caleb comes up, then get Kadin down. Go back to Melfort with Kadin for a week or two, then on my way back down to Portland detour rather drastically in B.C. and spend time with Rhett. A LOT of time with Rhett. Between Kadin and Rhett I suspect I would end up finding my spark again, and it's either find it through them and through my boys or do something MUCH more drastic. Yes, there are things more drastic than running away to Canada for a month.

My head is pounding and typing hurts. This is so very not fun.

And dammit, I do NOT like to write when someone is leaning over my shoulder and playing with my hair. I've been sweating all day, my hair is gross and needs to be washed. I'm slightly queasy and not feeling good. I'm overheating.


Ok, how do you understand the phrase 'is it soft' to work? Say, for example, that you've been asked by your typing girlfriend to stir a potful of rice and see if it's soft. What do you do? If you answered 'take a bit out, blow on it, nibble it to see if *gasp* it's SOFT' then yes, you win whatever prize it is that RYan just completely lost. *shakes her head* I think the heat is draining the intelligence level of every male in the city, I do I do. ARGH. All I want right now is something nummy that I don't have to cook and that isn't fattening... a cool, comfortable place to curl up... and a LOT of alcohol or painkillers. This is starting to drive me up the freakin' wall.

I am beginning to feel as if I don't exist.

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