"Russian Lullabye" is playing and I'm writing this in notepad since once again we have no 'net connection. This, oh my Readers and Friends, is why I've not updated: the few times my body has cooperated in the last weeks I've not been freaking ABLE to get online. It's starting to drive me nuts. I'm planning to save this to disk once it's written and see if Grr will let me use her computer long enough to post it.

It's raining, which is kind of a nice change. I like the rain, it's cooling and familiar. I hate, on the other hand, doctors' offices that don't answer their phones, the inability to get an answer from ANYONE regarding various medical/medicare/disability questions, and the horrible sick heat that sneaks up on me every time I try to eat or move too much.

No, I'm not dying. Nor am I attempting to do so - having finally tried it again has pretty thoroughly given me a taste for life, even if the first bit of it after the attempt has been so spectactularly shitty. I've gotten to talk to Caleb pretty frequently but Kadin... gods, I'm at the point where I don't CARE how I feel, the next time he calls I damned well will spend an hour on the phone purely from missing him. He's had the ill luck to call when I'm feeling utterly miserable or worse, after Caleb has called and I've used up what little energy I had talking to him for a while. I am frustrated. I am tired. I am... alive. I used to be so proud of the fact that I was still alive. Oddly enough, it doesn't seem so much like a victory any more. Right now I'm sober enough to realize how freaking much I HURT, how much I'm missing, how stupid I was. That is is so many ways the worst of it, realizing that I did something so utterly stupid that I will spend years unable to redeem myself.

"Days Go By" now, playing loud and sweet and reminding me of hours spent staring at a tv screen, MTV or VH1, this song playing, barely seeing the video and seeing instead my boys. Ryan is tired, so very tired, and desperately needs a break. He's literally drained, and running on the tail end of his health. Having to worry about me, seeing me end up in the E.R. literally once a week if not more, is cutting him to the quick. Caleb... he's alone, truly alone, needing not just my voice but my company and it's still something I can't give. Kadin is trapped back in Canada, a world away, and every time I think of him spending his nights drowning in IRC and EQ, a computer screen once again his only comfort, gods, it makes me...

...do you really want to read this?

...it makes me hate myself. Hate myself for so nearly runing the lives of my loves and friends, hate myself for not providing the support my boys need, hate myself for not BEING there. "Hell Is Around The Corner" and I'm crying, remembering another failure, another moment, another person I couldn't be there for.

No, I'm not leaving. I'm not giving up. I'm sure as hell not surrendering. What I AM doing is spending a few minutes in the state of total collapse that I can't really allow myself for long. Misery, self-loathing, doubt, need, frustration, greed, hate, all of the ugliness dragged out and paraded in front of my eyes...

...and as it passes, it PASSES. Can you understand how much that means to me? I can look at the worst in myself and my life and somehow no matter how far down it goes and how horrible it seems there are still sparkles of brightness, moments that I wouldn't trade for anyone else's life, anywhere, ever. Kadin in my arms, at my feet. Caleb curled up in bed beside me, watching me with a smile. Ryan playing his video game, petting me sleepily. Talking with Torian. Conversations with Daris. Pineapple milkshakes and pizza sauce, realizing that Canada isn't that bad a place, remembering night after night when someone's voice was the center of my universe. Her, him, the boy, that one, all of them, all of the people who have let me share their lives and let me taste their flame. All of it.

If I'd died, I would have died happy, yes. I have enough good memories to make the richest of kings look poor. So what am I holding on to now? Why am I refusing to make that mistake, why do I know it's a mistake now?

Because I have the rest of my life to make more memories with the people I love.

Ryan and I are moving out by February, Grr's request. I'm off both the amatryptaline and dylantin and if my sleep schedule's fucked, I'm seeing fewer sparkles and I haven't had a seizure yet, so there. I got to see 'Chicago' last night. "Sandstorm" is playing now. I can't find the damned paperwork but I know where to look and I'll be looking again. I need to clean the bathroom and am capapble of doing just that. I am here.

I am here.

I remember listening to this song so blasted on medication that all I could do was lay there, my head between the speakers, drowning in imagesensationtastetouchaeverything. Now?

Now I can see the world.

caleb, Kadin, Ryan, I miss you. I'm infinitely glad you are part of my life. Thank you.

I love you.