Fuck off, Ryan.

No, that's not exactly a related comment, just an aside - he's nagging me about my medication. Mind you, by all logical thought progressions this isn't a bad thing exactly, but... hm. Let me try to put this in text, see if it comes out right.

In a lot of ways I DO need someone to remind me of things, to make me keep myself on track. At first I'd hoped Ryan would be this someone, or at least that he'd help. Problem is, he seems to ONLY remind me of things or give me a boot in the rear when I'm already furious, or doing what needed to be done, or even worse... when it's physically/mentally/emotionally impossible for me to ACT on his reminders. Right now, I could take my meds. I'm not.

I'm not. Hear that? See that? A choice, for all the wrong reasons but by the gods it's a CHOICE on my part.

I have a lot bottled up in here right now and I think it's all going to come to a head fairly soon. I can't really explain it apparently, although I will keep trying.

I am dissatisfied with myself and my life. In order to change the things that dissatisfy me I will have to change some of my immediate circumstances, including HOW I live, WHAT I do... eating bad. Medication... iffy, for a lot of reasons. Submission, at the moment, isn't working out. I don't have enough respect for Ryan, he doesn't pay enough attention to it and he doesn't have the first clue how to react to... well, honestly, anything. I feel like I'm babysitting him most days lately and it's confusing me. This isn't working.

I'm going to find some deodorant, some alcohol, the bottle of Green, my antidepressants... hm. If Becca decides to stop taking Prozac maybe I can get some through her. It's at least numbing. Numbing... right now, would be actually useful.

I'm really close to having a huge blow-up, I think I mentioned that, and I can't exactly tell why or where it'll be aimed. That's a lot of why I'm on edge, why I'm typing out this surprisingly incoherant rant/ramble that just keeps going in circles. I'm trying to figure this shit out BEFORE it ends up costing me or those I care about time, pain, whatever. I don't WANT to be this furious with Ryan. I particularly don't want to be the sort of furious that keeps saying "I'd be better off and he'd be better off if I just said 'fuck it' and walked..." 'cos it's...

...I was going to say it's not rational. Problem being that currently, I think it IS rational.

I'm irritated, stressed, aching, frustrated, impatient, jittery, tense, and all things unpleasant. I still haven't figured out how to work around this.

Oh, hey. I still have 2/3 of a bottle of absinthe-stuff too.

I don't feel unappreciated. I feel unUSEFUL. I feel unNEEDED. I feel undesired, undereducated, unenthused, unpleasant, and a lot of other things all of which are rather negative. All of this... all of this is blowing out of a few hours of talk last night and a few years of slowly spiralling downward. I MISS the me I was Way Back When. I'm going to get her back.

Another choice.

I'm going to get her back.