I'm absolutely furious.

We went out with the intent of watching Return Of The King. Ended up going to Barnes & Noble first... They had these displays of Godiva chocolate all over the store. There were these little boxes that looked the size to hold one, maybe two, chocolates each. $3 apiece, not cheap but it's Godiva. I had $10 in my purse. I snagged one, Becca snagged one. They did indeed each have two chocolates.

Did I enjoy them? No. Not in the slightest. Why? Because Ryan spent the entire time from the moment we brought them up until I was half-through the first one ranting and complaining about how expensive they were and how much it annoyed him, even though I'd paid him back... then I mentioned that one of mine was white chocolate, and the first words out of his mouth? "Ooh, can I have the white chocolate one?"

Prick.

We get to the movie... we watch the movie... he insists that he won't sit next to Becca or I because he wants elbow room. OK, I can understand this. He also doesn't want me 'twitching'. Anyone who has watched a movie I seriously enjoy with me knows that when I get excited, I bounce or twitch or vibrate or whatever you want to call it. That's just me. It's not something I'm doing consciously even. But apparently it bothers him, so he's said I am not to do so. Note the AM NOT TO DO SO part there.

Oh, and he doesn't want Becca to gasp or hiss or cringe during movies either. Anyone near him is, apparently, to be Perfectly Still.

I think not.

So we get out of the movie and he's declaiming about how much such movements bother him. Becca says she's Starving, and I say I'd like to go through a drive-through. After quite a bit of what really did come across as arguing on his part, we settled on a plan: we'd hit the Mc-D drivethrough for me, go to WinCo which is in the same parking lot so Becca could find something, then go home. Becca would eat her thing and Ryan would eat the leftovers from the meal Becca had gotten earlier when we were shopping. This meal is a chicken, pasta, and cheese dish, the smell of which made me extremely queasy. This fact was mentioned repeatedly. Ryan still kept trying to come up with plans where I'd end up eating with him.

No.

*sighs* So I order - two double cheeseburgers and a Big Mac, no cheese, add mayo. Yes, I dislike dry burgers, and without cheese, mayo or a hell of a lot of catsup are pretty much the only options. Did I get to enjoy these? No, because His Highness was ranting about how bad they were for me and how much it pissed him off that, and I quote, "...you never eat anything else."

Now, did we or did we not go out for sushi recently? Do I, or do I not, go out of my way to cook things with veggies in them? Am I the one who eats Ryan's unwanted veggies out of household meals? Do I regularly order salads? When we were out to eat, did I order something that was mostly fruit and ice instead of a huge-ass milkshake like he and Becca ordered? Hm? HM?

So I've sworn off fast food entirely... or at least whenever I'll be within a mile of Ryan. I've sworn off eating, purchasing, or even discussing Godiva chocolate when he's in the room. I've sworn off talking about things I enjoy. I've sworn off DOING things I enjoy. And why?

Because the idiotic asshole won't even pay enough attention to realize that he is quite literally ruining every good moment I manage to have. I'm sick enough of it that I'd rather go without those little good things or even the larger good things just to avoid having them yanked away from me, spoiled, turned to dust and hate.

Hate. There we go.

I couldn't hate him when he decided he wanted to break up. The first person I've been able to call a 'boyfriend' without wanting to laugh at how ridiculous such a description was in a LONG time. The one who managed to crush me for two days, to do so in a way so complete that I've got scars. I couldn't hate him.

Funny how that seems to want to change. I asked him to come back. I threw away a huge chunk of my pride and asked him to come back, to try again...

...and it STILL somehow feels like he's ripping chunks out of me... maybe because I can see him hurting Becca the same way he's hurting me, with inattention and inappropriate comments and the worst timing imaginable, with no apologies and nothing that really says 'I care'.

No, I still don't hate him. I just know that I could, now. *sighs*

The more you try, whether consciously or unconsciously, purposely or accidentally, to spoil or block or take away the things that make me happy enough to keep going and keep trying, the more I'm going to need them... and the more unhappy I will be. You'd think this would be obvious, you really would. It shouldn't be that hard a concept.

Guys, if I EVER, but EVER, do this sort of thing to you... please, tell me! Point it out, let me know, because I sure as hell don't ever want to make anyone else this miserable accidentally. I wouldn't particularly want to make anyone this miserable on purpose even, not this way.

*shakes her head, curling up in the shadows, only her eyes visible, watching the world stalk past*

There are very, VERY few things right now that I have any faith in at all.

I was wrong. Don't ignore this. Not if you are in regular contact with me, not if you want my respect. Don't ever treat ANYONE who matters to you like this. Don't take away, don't ruin, don't scorn and spit and growl at the things that make others happy. Just... don't.

I couldn't even eat the last burger. My stomach is growling and if I try to eat anything right now I'll burst into tears. I'm achingly Hungry, I'm frighteningly lonely, I'm upset and confused...

...and I'm remembering a rule I'd made for myself way back when I was 18 or so. I'm thinking, after the way life has gone lately, I should give some serious thought to reinstating it.