It STARTED as calm commentary...
Previous - this entry written on June 14, 2004 at 4:05 pm - Next

I've been updating my DevArt site a LOT more than I've been updating here. Part of that is that for whatever reasons, my ability to write has kinda gone downhill lately while my ability to express myself through graphics, photoshop creations, blurbs posted, messages exchanged, all of it seems to have gone UPhill to the point where it actually feels kind of strange to be writing in the new entry box here instead of the one on DevArt. I don't know if this is a good thing, a bad thing, or what... I think it's just kinda here, not really good or bad, simply What Is.

I'm hungry. I've been hungry a lot lately, in a lot of different ways, but right now it's just the desire to go grab a hamburger, or a really good complicated salad, or a bowl of pho, and settle in to much for a while. Ideally this'd happen with a few friends - I don't even particularly care who, honestly, I just want company and nourishment.

Last night... geh. Last night I was on the phone with Caleb...

...and now Ryan is asking me why I'm not calling my mom and trying to get more money out of her. I should, honestly; with money, there could be food, and things to do, and it'd be sorta progress. Problem is, my mother has been supposed to call ME for several days now, and the time I tried getting ahold of her the phone just rang and rang. I don't think I could deal all that well with the stress of talking to her, and I KNOW I couldn't deal all that well with the stress of wondering what the hell happened if I can't talk to her.

See, last night, I was on the phone for what, something like three hours straight? I was in one of the darkest moods I've been in for... heh. Not all that long, actually. But suffice to say I was kinda scaring myself and REALLY not dealing well. So we talked, and talked and talked and talked, and it helped a lot. I managed to get a good 8-9 hours of sleep last night, even if part of it did end up being full of a really really fucked-up (if vaguely entertaining) dream.

Today? I'm awake again. It's only 4:00 and already those same feelings are starting to build, right along with the hunger and the worry and the impatience. Ryan's asleep on the bed, Becca's curled up beside him reading Stephen King, none of my boys are online, the ink on my hand and arm is partially washed-off since I took a shower a couple hours ago. I... meh.

I need to get out of here, but I don't have anywhere to go.

I need to do something, change something, but there's nothing I can change with any degree of safety or even a reasonable amount of hope that it'll turn out for the best.

I need food, and that's not very easy to find right now if I'm not willing to eat oatmeal or ramen - I'd really like to eat something non-carb, as pretty much the entirety of my diet for weeks now barring a few moments of meat here and there has been carbohydrates. Cereal. Rice. Bread. Ramen. Cornbread. Pasta. Granola. Oatmeal. I want something with meat, with vegetables, with fruit... rich broth, sweet spices, or just the goodness of fresh-cooked meat juices staining my fingers and coating my tongue.

So what am I actually going to do?

I'm not sure. Right now there's a towel wrapped around my head and I'm wearing my red fuzzy zip-up robe. Prob'ly I'm going to find clothing first, then wander out into the rest of the house and somewhat apathetically consider my options foodwise. Maybe Grr will let me have a can of soup.

After that, or possibly before that, I might as well try calling my mother. I mean, hey... at worst, I'll end up having another panic attack, NOT have anyone to talk to this time, and go walk in front of the Maxx.

And at best? I'll have to spend time in her company, get a bit of cash and a LOT of stress, and come out of it feeling like a cross between a whore and a politician. Not that there's much difference there.

I want to listen to music, but as I've already said, Ryan's sleeping. While I think he COULD perfectly well sleep through it, I know he won't - he'll bitch. More stress, so it's easier to just leave the music off for now.

What I REALLY want, besides the whole food/cash for food/company with food concept, is medication. My side is starting to hurt quite a bit and after this many days without anything other than excedrin and a few sips of alcohol I'm about to the point where there's not a real stop-and-start point to the hallucinations, headaches, etc... they just keep fading in and out almost constantly.

I don't want to be here.

I don't want to be trying constantly to keep from screaming, running, hurting myself, hurting those around me, hurting in general.

I want to be somewhere safe, somewhere calm, somewhere comfortable.

That is NOT here.

Here isn't safe or calm or comfortable. Here is frightening and full of people who I don't know or don't trust or just can't talk to.

Here... I go.



On my own, apparently.

I don't think I'm going to be able to wait until July... this isn't an excited 'oh I can't wait' that you get before Christmas, this is a fairly literal 'I'm going to fuck something - likely myself - up beyond redemption BEFORE July arrives'.

I have got to get out of here. NOW.

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