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Previous - this entry written on November 30, 2004 at 5:59 am - Next   I believe. Daemon-Sha: *hugs you again* Daemon-Sha: Is there anything I can do? Lady Jax Raven: Talk? Daemon-Sha: *nods, somewhat quiet* It worries me to see you like this. Scares me. Lady Jax Raven: *tilts her head* Not to be repetitive, but... why? Daemon-Sha: Because even when you -do- explain it I can never understand why, and that's frightening because it means I can't do as much to try to make you feel better as I want to. Lady Jax Raven: *chuckles* Weird thing is that I think you actually could understand this. I just don't have the words. Daemon-Sha: You're...worried about whether I'll want to stay with you without your collar? Lady Jax Raven: *blinks* ...yes. Though that's not exactly what's setting me on edge right NOW. Daemon-Sha: I don't want to leave you. I fell in love with more than the feel of leather against my skin. I could have gotten that in a lot of places. Lady Jax Raven: *stretches slightly, voice quiet* I really hate dealing with withdrawal. Daemon-Sha: withdrawl from what? Lady Jax Raven: *grins faintly* Currently? Satisfaction. Safety. Pleasure. Sanity. Daemon-Sha: *Sighs, quiet* Some of which I took large parts away from when I asked. Lady Jax Raven: *blinks* rephrase and repeat? Daemon-Sha: When I asked not to be collared anymore that took away part of your sources of satisfaction, pleasure, sanity. Daemon-Sha: ...it's 7:30 am, I need to be heading towards bed. Lady Jax Raven: *nods* Sleep well. Daemon-Sha: *Hugs you quietly one more time* I miss you. *** Daemon-Sha signed off Late night. Music. Photoshop. Notepad. ...nothing. Nothing but this ache. Nothing but this need. Nothing but this desire that I can't satisfy. Just one step at a time And closer to destiny I knew at a glance There'd always be a chance for me With someone I could live for Nowhere I would rather be Is your love strong enough Like a rock in the sea Am I asking too much Is your love strong enough? Just one beat of your heart And stranger than fantasy I knew from the start It had to be the place for me Someone that I would die for There's no way I could ever leave Is your love strong enough Like a rock in the sea Am I asking too much Is your love strong enough? I do, it seems, ask too much. Need too much. If... hell, I even know what I want right now, exactly what would satisfy me, how to get it. I could get it. Could take it, and I know that I could. I just wouldn't like the aftermath. Not in the slightest. Of course, I can't particularly say I like the present either. *sighs softly* I'm going not-so-blissfully mad and I wish I'd been telling the truth when I said that love wouldn't ever spare him, wouldn't save him, wouldn't stop me. I feel disgusted with myself, weak, helpless, and dammit even THAT, there's no way, no one, to make it somehow satisfying. I'm... oh, maybe a week away from one hell of a Split. Any other coping methods that I know of would be far, far worse for me physically, worse for those around me mentally, generally Bad Ideas. This... this I can handle. This I know how to deal with. This I can do consciously, and make sure that it doesn't really interfere with anything. I remember thinking a few months ago that maybe I was finally ok, that it would be ok to finish the job my subconscious had already started, melding and merging, being Just Jax. You'd think by now I would know better. turning and returning to some secret place to hide watching in slow motion as you turn to me and say my love take my breath away This is hurting in the oddest of ways. I don't entirely know what I'd expected or been prepared for, but somehow it's hitting in the tiny spots I hadn't even though of. I need... ...Jedite. Character, not description. Or War Wolf. Someone hurting enough, suffering enough, to match my own pain, satisfy my sadistic need, leave me trembling and purring and willing to move heaven and earth to keep them near. Maybe... maybe it's time to Hunt. After all, I'm without a First now. That needs to change. Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven - - Do Not Feed The Moose - |
