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The most frustrating part of all of this is that I'm starting to feel... pushed. Pressured. As if even when I'm doing what I KNOW is best, it's not enough. There is exactly ONE person who knows all of what's going on, and that one person is me. If you aren't me, aren't here, aren't listening to every discussion and aware of every detail that's going on, then why would you think you have the ~right~ to tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing, or how I should do it? If you don't - CAN'T - know the whole story, why the hell would you completely flip over part of it, assume that I don't know what I'm doing, believe that you know better than I?
Seriously. This is one of the things that I am not willing to deal with. If you want me to settle things, the worst thing you can do is push me, or tell me I'm doing it wrong. All that does is make me want to refuse... to keep things as they are... or go deeper.
Honestly, if I hadn't still been aching and a bit angry from the events of a few days ago, I might not have made the choice I did. I know that part of my willingness to go through with it was strengthened by that anger. And really, if I wasn't furious now, I might make different choices. Don't know. Don't care.
I don't care.
If you don't trust me enough to respect my decisions, to believe that I had good reasons for them, then you don't. S'ok. Right now, I'm having a hard time trusting too.
Maybe love IS a weakness. Right now, I'm not finding any strength in it. Only pain. Right now I'm having a hard time reconciling my affections with the sudden rush of must-get-away that's filling me. Right now...
...right now, it is hard to WANT to be owned, or pack.
All I actually want is to run.
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