Things I Never Did
Previous - this entry written on April 15, 2006 at 3:01 am - Next

You want to know what really worries me sometimes?

I know - not think, know - that the only reason I am not in jail is a combination of cleverness and my parents' good name. I know that there are still a few things I have done that, while I doubt they will ever see the light of day, could get me locked away for a very long time. And I know that the things I have done, I quite happily could do again and quite possibly will do again.

The only thing stopping me is that same cleverness, the desire to not be locked away. Not morals. Not social responsibility. Not religious beliefs, not care for my fellow man, not even a worry about how it would affect those I care about. Just simple self-preservation.

There are things I have done that I know will never be proved. I know exactly who took the fall for them in some cases, in others I know they were deemed 'accidents', in a few more I know that the people who I hurt are unable to ever tell anyone. There are things I have done that I have talked about with a very few people, EVER. Some of my stories... hint. Some of my conversations touch on them jokingly. All of them, if I ever made it public knowledge that I had done them, would get me shunned by the majority of people I know.

I am not a nice person.

And the only people who will see this, and believe me, are the very few who have seen the look I get when I have my hands around their throat, or who have watched me stare longingly at someone - or something - that I shouldn't, or who in a rare few cases have heard me tell some small portion of what I've done. They've heard my voice. Heard the honesty, the sincerity... and the sense of mindless pleasure I still feel at the memories.

Most of you will read this and assume I'm being overdramatic, that my 'big secrets' are just something you already know about or something that doesn't really matter, and that's ok. That's how I keep it, for the most part.

But I'm going to list off a couple things here. No way to connect me to them, no way to have them believed. Tonight, though... tonight, I'm thinking of them almost fondly.


Tomorrow I'll laugh, if you ask me about this entry. And maybe it is a joke, just to see who bites. *slight smile*

But maybe it's not.

Angel. Rhett. Radu. Kadin, I think. Scott, possibly - he's been there to see me end up getting off, pun intended, scott free. Caleb - he's seen my soul, more so than most.

Six people, three of them only maybe.


I guess I'm lucky. Most people don't have six people in their entire lives they can trust.

I know, KNOW, that I can tell anything and ask anything of these six - yes, even Angel, still - and trust them. I will do my best to never break what trust they have in me, for that reason. Even though three of them I no longer really talk to much, even though only one of them I see in person any more... I trust them.

I'm gonna go poke at photoshop now.

Enjoy your day.

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