I. Hate. My. Hormones.
Previous - this entry written on May 14, 2006 at 2:24 am - Next
...what is really worrying me at the moment is the near-certainty that it's only a matter of days before I install an IRC client on here. Why does this worry me?
Half of my head has been... disturbingly quiet... over the last month or so. This is NEVER a good thing, partly because that is also the half of my head that usually handles pain tolerance, partly because if it goes silent it usually means something large and unpleasant is rustling around in my mind and it's only that side of me that has noticed it so far, and partly because it seems that once the rest of my brain catches on... the Domme side of me takes, not a standard back seat, no, it's all the way in the back on top of a freaking double-decker BUS. And stays there until the other half of me gets a fix and either deals with whatever shit is going on or realizes it is a problem the Domme side needs to deal with and if I'm very fortunate, switches places again without me seriously fucking up my life or someone else's.
Unfortunately, those fuckups? They're kind of 'usual fare'. *twitch*
So yeah. I've been blaming it all on hormones and I do know that a LOT of it no doubt IS hormones... but that's not all of it, and... yeah. *mutters* I already know no good is going to come of this. I need to continue to view Caleb as Mine, as harmless to me, as someone it is Perfectly Safe to be around, or I'm going to start having serious panic attacks again. I don't talk to Ryan all that often, and I'm not sure text would even begin to scratch the itch when it hits. I'm still more than a bit nervous regarding Inari, though at least today I can remember his name. *sigh* I...
I know what I miss. I know what my mind will want. And I know I won't get it.
I haven't had it in a long, long time.
And I may never have it again.
Fuckin' three o'clock.
I'm going to go try not to cry, k? K.
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