No, I'm NOT feeling good. Sorry to disappoint you.
Previous - this entry written on June 16, 2007 at 5:49 am - Next

So Kate's feeling neglected because while I accept her transition it leaves me REALLY confused when it comes to sex and a bit frustrated because she's been concentrating on this instead of Anything Else Important...

...Torian's feeling neglected because I've been in lots of pain lately and so haven't felt like playing with anyone physically, but still have the energy to bitch about Puppy and talk about missing him; she says that whether he's here and she's elsewhere or she's here and he's elsewhere, he still gets more of my attention than she does...

...and the mutt is, of course, oblivious as always. I finally gave up and wrote a brief letter to both of his main WoW characters' ingame mail accounts - not that I even know if those ARE his mains any more, the boy doesn't tell me a damn thing even when I directly ask and makes sure he's not around to BE asked 99% of the time. I've given up calling him, as he never answers the damn phone. I've given up trying to talk to him ingame as he just ignores anything I say unless it has to do with his money. I've given up expecting or even hoping he'll update his damn journal, it's been what, 19 days now? Yeah. And I know he HAS computer access, I've talked to a couple of his guildmates who swear he's online just about every day.

He says his homelife is fucked. He's lost his job, his dad kicked him out, he's basically couch surfing right now because his mom/brother won't let him stay with them either... but if I so much as mention the idea of him coming back here, he changes the subject so fast my ears burn.

Kate... gods. It was a lot easier to deal with Kate being, well, Kate, when I was still in shock. Now that it's settling in, I'm finding that I'm less OK with it than I thought. I miss having a husband, dammit! I don't even have puppy here, I don't have a male in my life any more it seems, and you know what? I'm not actually ok with that. I mean seriously - I met Caleb, knew he cross-dressed occasionally at Rocky but fuck, EVERYBODY does that occasionally at Rocky. I met Torian and spent the first chunk of our interactions and relationship fully convinced that she was male. I met Radu, and I DARE you to try to find someone who is more masculine, 99% of the time. Hell, the last lesbian I dated was a serious cross-dresser who identified as male.

Now suddenly there's nothing but girls around the place, for MONTHS, and goddammit I'm not OK with that... but I don't want to go out and find someone new, I love the people I'm with, I just... gah. I'm bi leaning toward STRAIGHT, I've always made that pretty clear I thought.

So yeah. My lorazipam has been upped from two a day to three a day; I'm taking 150mg of Amatryptaline a day, and even at that I'm gonna run out of the loraz before it's due to be refilled because the last few days, screw three a day, I'm up to five. I can't even stand being in a room with Torian and Kate at the same time without one in my system.

I don't want Torian to leave - even when I'm absolutely NOT wanting to be in a serious relationship with anything that even THINKS it is female, somehow she's still oddly comforting to have in the house. I guess part of my brain can look at her and see a small, very male, black cat looking back at me. There's... with Kate, there isn't anything like that. She's always been... feminine... there aren't really any OMGMALE triggers that I can cling to. And Puppy's not here.

Damn him. I'm sitting here crying into my soda just because he's not here.

I know most of this is pregnancy hormones - when you, or at least when I, am pregnant, there had damn well better be a man around. I don't feel right, or whole, or safe, or even comfortable, without one. I know that I go through this just about every time I'm pregnant, it's not like it's an overwhelming shock or anything, but I do occasionally forget that 99% of my moodiness and such is hormones... but just because it IS hormones doesn't make me feel it any less, let me tell ya.

Oh, yeah... and add to the stress the bit with my doctor lately. So it's taken a couple weeks to finally get a referral from him. I swear up one side and down another that I told him I wanted an abortion... and he refers me to an obgyn who is, of all things, PRO LIFE.

There's still a lot of confusion - the doctors keep insisting that with my insurance I don't need a referral for anything. When I call my insurance or the clinics I try to go to call my insurance, we get told that yes, actually, I DO need a fucking referral. Someone's on crack and I'm pretty sure it's not me. *sigh*

This is all so stupid.

Oh, hey, look at that. No wonder I'm crying. Time for another lorazipam.

...someone shoot me, please, before I manage to get ahold of a gun and do it myself.

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