"...flashing memories of you riding with the moon that night..."
Previous - this entry written on July 09, 2007 at 1:47 pm - Next

So many things I want to say... and yet once again, when I actually start typing, they fade from view, I lose the words that were so clear in my mind a moment ago, and I'm left rambling.

I need to fix the graphics - something's wrong with our webserver thingie and until it gets fixed, I am graphicless. I need to call pet stores in the area and see if any of them sell live feeder rodents - all the ones actually CLOSE only sell frozen ones and omgEW. Kaa gets live prey for a reason. For several reasons, actually, including the fact that frozen mice squick me and I really don't want to have to stick a dead rodent in the microwave once a week. *twitch* Not cool. Yes, I have less problem feeding live rodents to a snake than dead ones. Yes, I understand this doesn't make sense to quite a few people. No, I don't care. Live prey, period.

Kadin emailed me.

I think I'm still somewhat in shock, honestly. I guess I'd expected that if I did hear from him, it would be... not any time soon. *blink* He's one of a very few people on the planet who I couldn't blame if they hated me; one of three, to be a bit more specific, and one of those three is kinda dead, thus doesn't exactly count. o.O I think I just confused myself.


So I've written back; I thought about waiting, planning what I'd say, typing and re-typing until it was just right, but when it comes down to it, that's not me. I'd rather screw up somehow being me than come up with the perfect email and know that it wasn't honest, wasn't everything I felt and wanted to say right that second. If I think of something I've left out, I can always send another. If I wish I'd not sent some part of it, too freakin' bad. I feel about email much like I feel about journals - if you can't be honest, why write at all?

And yes, it was a painfully honest email. Part of me is worried that I did say too much, that I should have kept it short, or less emotional. *slight shrug* I meant every word though, that's the thing. I do still love him, I do miss him, I know where and how I fucked up, I no longer am at all upset with him... and six months is enough time to leave me calmer, able to step back, able to deal with it if he changes his mind and decides contact is a bad thing. Again, part of me is certain that's what'll happen...

...and part of me is giddy as a girl who just got given a pony...

...and part of me can't quite keep from crying every time it's let out...

...but on the whole, I'm ok. And that's not a statement I make often.

I miss Torian a lot; apparently when she called I was out cold and Rhia couldn't wake me up. This isn't particularly new, sadly. I've been being rather narcoleptic for the last few months, once I fall asleep I can't be woken up easily, if at all, and I fall asleep whenever the hell my body feels like it.

Having her here was wonderful. I've spent so long with her online, on phones, digitized and distant, I was half-afraid that when we actually met in person we'd both explode or something. *slight smile* I guess you could call it 'or something', at least... it was amazing, it was nifty, it was GOOD. And now I miss her quite a bit.

It's still overly-hot here, so I'm going to go find something cold to eat and perch in front of the air conditioner for a while.

I'm the only person home right now. It's weird. Too much silence.

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