*stretch* I wish I were sleeping.
Previous - this entry written on July 13, 2007 at 3:18 am - Next
...you think it's CONVENIENT that every time my grip on my emotions slips for more than a moment, I start losing motor control and the whole world goes sparkly? You think I fucking WANT to have to chop my life into little bits just to keep functioning? You think that all of this SHIT, the seizures, the sickness, the memory loss, you think I'm somehow doing this on purpose?
Are you fucking crazy?
You are. Sorry, forgot that for a moment. *sigh*
Still. Yes, I will be calling you tomorrow. I wasn't giving anyone, least of all myself, a convenient way out of ANYTHING there. Yes, I'm upset that you basically accused Torian of somehow covering something up, as if she might have ANY interest in what goes on between you and I. Her only interest is in seeing me happy; she's spent a lot of time talking me back down when I've gotten upset, she's the one who has reminded me time and time again that I do still love you. Take your filthy fucking mouth somewhere else. Drunk or not, you don't get to insult ANYONE I Own. I've said this same thing to others regarding you at times and now it's your turn.
You have a problem with someone who is a major part of my life? You talk with me, you talk with them, you keep it civil, and you GOD-FUCKING-WELL-REMEMBER that the fastest way to make me too angry to even be able to talk is to threaten or insult one of Mine. You know how quickly you would stand to defend your brother, your mother? Yeah. Same fucking thing. I don't care how upset with me you are, you don't dump it on someone else, you drop it on ME. You. Don't. Hurt. What. Is. Mine.
Hell, I've spent the last couple weeks quite literally pacing the floor every time I even THINK about Lylandra and that's not even something I CAN stick my nose in, as things stand.
...ok. Look. It's simple.
I don't remember you apologizing, I don't remember you admitting you did anything wrong. Yes, I've talked with Torian, and re-read my journal entries, and there is nothing there. Torian says that I said you cried; that at one point I had said something about a pathetic excuse for half of an apology; that if you ever apologized in a way that actually satisfied me, I never gave indication of it, though.
You yourself said you'd read my journal entries; how could you think that everything was ok, reading them?
I don't want this drama, you don't want this drama, you were drunk and I was frustrated and... yeah. All I'd wanted from the whole mess that started this was to have a chance to talk a bit with you and Torian, to spend some time being as close as I can to two of the people I miss very much. I do think you had a point there, I should have waited to invite you into chat until after I'd explained things, perhaps then it would have gone smoother.
It's 3:30-ish right now; I've showered, eaten, gotten antibiotics - oh yeah, that 'sick' you seem to think I'm faking is certainly real enough to get doctors to insist I take assorted medications, but thanks for the vote of confidence - and I'm likely going to go murder some protoss for a while.
I'll still be here tomorrow... and the day after that, and after that, and every other day to come. Even angry, I'm still here. Always.
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