I have nothing even resembling a clever title, sorry.
Previous - this entry written on September 30, 2007 at 9:16 am - Next
Still alive, still no computer chair, still only getting the laptop occasionally. Rocky last night, today not sure what plans are yet, just woke up, I suspect there's something that I am forgetting to do. This is ridiculous. I need a computer chair, and I need it badly; trying to use my computer with the footstool gives me stabbity pain after about fifteen minutes.
I had an odd encounter with myself recently. A few years ago I had been hanging out with a guy who made fangs (I am so not explaining that if you can't figure it out on your own) and we were in his car, parked somewhere under an overpass, watching the rain fall. We'd fallen silent and I was sort of idly thinking to myself, y'know, deciding whether or not I actually wanted to have sex with this guy, trying to figure out if it would be worth it, wondering if it would go anywhere, thinking to myself that maybe if I hooked up with him I'd go with him when he left town - he traveled a lot, was just passing through Portland.
There was this weird flickering, and suddenly I wasn't looking at him, I was looking at this weird fat chick with a buzz-cut who... well, she was me. Older, she lisped a bit, stuttered, I didn't want to believe it was me, but she was. We talked - more of a wordless communication rather than words though we did talk. She told me not to go with him, that there was someone else, someone special. She told me a lot; some of it made no sense at all, some of it made a lot of sense, some of it... ehh. She told me the important things. She said there would be someone better than Alex. That Slash wasn't who I wanted to be with. That I should be thankful for what health I had while I had it. That I should try being a cat instead of a slavegirl, that I'd prefer it. She said something about a dog, and ranted about reproduction for a minute, and told me never to forget for a minute that I liked girls too.
A lot of it, I'd sort of forgotten until night before last.
Y'see, night before last, I had the other half of it. I was so young then... and I couldn't find the words to say everything, there was so much I wanted to tell myself and it came out wrong, there wasn't enough time... but it was her. Me. I told her I was happy, that she would be happy, to keep searching until she found everything and everyone that made her happy. Never stop believing that good things will happen. Love freely, love often, love well. It hurts, it will always hurt, but it's worth it.
For a moment, there was another me, instead of the young one. Longer, shoulder-length hair, half natural-ish red, half black. Thinner, but still plump. Fangs. Something was wrong with one leg, I think, and she said she was nearly deaf. She also said don't let go. That what I have now is what's worth keeping, worth the trouble and heartache, worth the price of a horse or two. No, I have no idea what that last bit means. I have a suspicion I'll find out, though.
I liked what I saw. I looked... not healthy, but better. Happy, very happy. I looked like what I hope I look like. Maybe it'll be true, maybe it was just a daydream, maybe... maybe there's a trace of something unusual happening here.
Strange night, that was. And last night, Rocky, which is always strange. Now? Slight headache, hungry... and remembering the down side of even unbelievably positive things. For the same reason that there was that moment of communication, I have a new rather large and unsightly wound that's pretty much certain to scar. There's a price you pay to go past certain boundaries. *slight shrug* I should be more worried about it, it's going to take antibiotics and some careful attention to make sure it doesn't become a problem, and it'll never really look GOOD... but I think it was worthwhile.
"Silence Of The Lambs" is on the TV. Sort of an accident that I'm watching it; there was another movie that I wanted to watch, caught the last 2/3 of it, and then this came on afterward. It's making my mind go to some rather odd places.
Torian and Puppy, mostly. Missing both of them, wondering what they're doing, reaching out... feeling them, touching their existence with my own, connecting. Reassuring myself that they are alive, intact, and not in agony. My mind is rather flexible at the moment, I don't know how long it'll last but right now it's as if I can feel not only my own heartbeat, but several others. I can concentrate and focus on them... like sliding my fingers down a wire, I slide my thought down that connection, and they're there.
I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts, this awareness of those I care about, those I need.
I am also going to wake up Cate and send her out to fetch food. Freakin' hungry. Mostly because of Hannibal, yes. Yes, I'm aware I'm weird.
Still drowsy; allergic reaction to something has me just knocked out. Gonna log off, poke Cate, maybe pass out. Ehh. It's Sunday.
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