I'm listening to my Screw Myself album, letting a shitload of guilt and frustration and misery just kind of wash over me. Had... for lack of a better term, had a very cathartic (sp?) orgasm earlier.

And came downstairs.

And fucked up slightly - not on purpose, not realizing what would happen, and... yeah, I don't entirely blame myself but DAMMIT, I didn't MEAN to do shit like that.

And...

...yeah.

"Something I Can Never Have" playing now, and it's about to go on repeat for a while, until I can burn this wealth of emotion out of my heart. I really don't need to be feeling this. I really don't want to be feeling this.

I really do deserve to feel this.

's kind of funny - I've spent a LOT of the past few days trying to convince someone else to get their self-image up out of the gutter and now wham, here I am doing the same stuff.

Frustrating.

LOTS of things are frustrating right now.

For example, the fact that not everyone I care about is HERE.

Or the fact that I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to be at Dixon Household but get all guilty when I stay away for long.

Or the fact that I've been throwing up and eating chocolate cake soaked in steak juices. *twitch*

Or how about the fact that I am apparently trying to complicate my life even more, no matter how much I rant about simplifying?

Or the bit wherein I'm...

...no.

No, we'll just keep THAT little bit of psychoses locked nice and tight in my head. It'll stay there under armed guard for now.

Torian, Kadin, Caleb, Rhett, Nick, Talia, Scott... I apologise, I know I haven't been online and useful and around much. If you need to get in touch with me, Grr has the phone number for where I am.

I don't even know how to put parts of this in words.

I've been... happy... this past week. I started being happy last Friday and it hasn't really left. Hell, I went in and spent the entire time I had the needle in (even when they bled enough out accidentally to SOAK an entire pillow) grinning like an idiot... although admittedly that had more to do with drugs than anything else. *sighs*

...my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
scraping through my head
'till I don't want to sleep
any more...

You - and ten points if you know who I'm referring to - make this all go away.

*curls up tightly*

I'm not the girl you want me to be. I'm not the woman you think you know. I'm not the person you see when you look at me.

...back then I couldn't do the things
that I can do now
this thing is slowly
taking me apart
grey would be the color
if I had a heart...

Yes, I'm depressed. Congratulations for noticing. No, I'm not expecting ANYONE who reads this to try to make it better. First off, you can't. This is just mood swinging, it'll go away on its own eventually, sooner if I can get rid of this damn sinus headache and sore throat. Second, I do not entirely WANT it to go away. What I want right now is to go dreamwalking, to wander the skies feeling like this... let it soak out slowly, fill me up then pour out until I'm clean again.

This... this misery... IS cleansing, in a way. For at least a little while, I think I need it.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Does it really matter, though? You know I won't listen at times like these, even if I am wrong.

...I just want something
I can never have...

I want to be able to stop worrying for a while.

I want to ENJOY my depression, dammit. *wry grin* Yes, it is possible. It's a tad tricky if I'm around the wrong people (and would be near-impossible at Dixon House, I've found) but it IS possible.

I... *actually looks a bit sheepish* ...I miss Rhett a lot, right now. I kinda need his brand of 'consolation'.

Something to make me hurt until I can't feel the pain that's already here.

And no, that is neither request nor offer. Just a statement.

*pads off quietly, dancing as she moves, singing "Wandering Star" under her breath*

...wandering stars
for whom it is reserved
the blackness
the darkness
forever...