Anyway.

So. Last night. First off, the twitchiness and upsettedness from the previous entry... 's gone. GONE. And why, you ask? Because when he came home, the darling tiger who had upset me apologised, we talked about it and I a) figured out the rest of WHY it was bothering me, b) managed to explain it, and c) found myself so damned happy just to be able to hold him again that even if I HAD still been pissed - which I was not - I would have gotten over it. It's hard to be angry at someone when you can't stop wanting to smile and hug them. Yes, apologies and serious in-depth conversations mixed with snuggles will fix just about any problem.

Then life got complicated.

I've said before that a LOT of my self-worth and ego and such is tied up in my sexual performance, yes? If not, consider it said. I... yeah. Some days, no matter how illogical it is I am firmly convinced somewhere deep in my subconscious that if I'm not a good lay, I'm not good for anything. As you can imagine, this leads to some fairly stressful emotional kinks when I end up FORCED to spend time without any sexual contact whatsoever. No, phone sex doesn't count, online contact doesn't count. This is very much about the here-and-now.

And with the termination procedure, I am not s'posed to be having sex. Period.

Which leaves me with one real option: blowjobs. This is going to sound like bragging but I'm fairly sure it's not (and yes, you are more than welcome to ask anyone who's experienced them)... I'm damned good at giving blowjobs. I LIKE it, I've had plenty of practice, and I think I've got a bit of just general talent too. Plus blowjobs are... hm. Less personal than sex, I guess. It's very much something that ~I~ control, something that ~I~ choose to do. You CAN technically force someone to blow you but believe me, you don't WANT to unless you're already planning to slit their throat or something. Teeth near that part and an unfriendly intent? BAD.

Anyway, yeah. It's something I know I can do very well, something I can do without getting emotional about it (other than the smugness afterward), and something that quite thoroughly eases the whole 'good for nothing' feeling.

So last night, that's what I did.

NOT to my Tiger.

If this had been sex, it would have required the permission of at least two people - Caleb, 'cause I try to check with him any time I'm going to hop into bed with someone, and at the moment Ryan, 'cause he's HERE and I try not to actively hurt/insult the people I am likely to be sleeping next to within the next week. *wry grin*

I enjoyed it - got to prove to m'self that YES, I'm still good, still useful, that it's not just coincidence or anything. I needed it - sometimes I just need to have a bit of something new, or at least something I don't get often enough, and there was no real way to drag Kadin or Rhett down here, Caleb or Nick up here, etc. I wanted it - I've been somewhat curious about the person in question for quite some time, mostly wanting to know if he was prey or not, and this answered my questions nicely. Curiousity is one of my major flaws.

However, good and useful as it was for me, there's this rather serious problem wherein it ended up bothering Ryan. A lot. Mind, he was THERE, watching... I'd offered to be collared or leashed to him or both while it happened... and he technically could have refused...

...but I know how hard it is to refuse someone you love something you know they want and need, and I know that he was, at least to some degree, pressured into it. *sighs* Doesn't help that even though he's bi, he has NO interest in the person in question.

But, long story shortened slightly, he's feeling upset. Which was so very NOT my intent.

I want to make this very very clear: I am a sensualist. I like to touch and be touched, I like being petted, flirting, fingernails on my back and hands in my hair. I like chocolate and strawberries, thick alcoholic drinks and breezes dancing over bare skin, the taste of someone else's arousal. I like the reassurance and power I feel when I manage to please someone.

Love... comes less often.

Devotion? Loyalty? Mix that in with love, add lust, pour in a dash of amusement and a lot of friendship... and the end combination is something rare indeed.

THAT I do not hand out lightly. My heart and my soul are things that, unlike my body, are NOT to be touched and teased and played with by anyone who happens to catch my fancy when I've an itch to scratch.

Caleb... Kadin... Torian... Baraq... Elru... Drailith... Dashwood... Ustal... Lost Soul... Selaith... Al X... and Her. In my life, those are the only ones who have touched my heart. Some only briefly... some still hold place there, but not in my life... and some will always be a part of my life, I pray.

This is stretching on... I'm hoping to head over to Grr's place soon, and then pick up Ryan once he's off work. *slight smile* Hopefully snuggling with him for a while away from his housemates will help... and if he'd rather head home, then head home we will. I can't do much about Caleb's loneliness right now, or Kadin's frustrations, or Torian's stresses... but this, at least, I can try to help.

See, that's one thing that makes the difference between casual contact and serious affection: I will do whatever I can for the ones I love. It may not always be enough, and I know that and hate it... but what I can do, I will.

Always.

Tequeo theunre'n, tequeo cu'nre'n, iri theunre h'lien satao epeta.