In Which I Regress Ridiculously
Previous - this entry written on October 31, 2008 at 5:19 pm - Next
Dammit. Admittedly, it's been long enough since the last time, I'm sure I was overdue. Still, dammit, the last thing I need right now is for that to crop back up and start fucking with my subconscious. I'd been wondering why my dreams for the last couple weeks had been getting so explicit, and why a couple of recurring dreams I hadn't had in, ooh, must be years now, were showing up again, but I hadn't really given it any serious thought...
...and then I realize that I can't even look at that particular word without having my brain tweak and my body start freaking out. DAMMIT. This is NOT who I am any more, I don't need it, I don't want it, and I have no intention of having it fuck with my head any more.
Yeah, not fooling myself, either. *sighmutter* It'll pass, it always does. Unfortunately, it usually requires either a hefty dose of drama or a chance to scratch the itch before it passes. I don't have TIME for this. I don't need to be craving something I can't possibly have without either physical harm to myself or serious damage to my relationships/my pack. Not happening. *further muttering* Stupid fucked-up subconscious.
I'm gonna go twitch at nothing for a while.
Just one word, one fucking word, and it means so much. I shouldn't have stopped using it; when I saw it constantly, and was constantly reminded of what I'd gone through, it was a lot easier to remember why I wasn't going back. Now? Now it's pushing every button I thought I'd gotten rid of and I really don't know what I'm going to do about it other than try to wait it out.
Meh. At least I'm not able to get online or play WoW or hang out in IRC rooms or really do anything else that would lead to this particular mental and emotional failing causing SERIOUS trouble.
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We'll be looking forward to seeing you, theunre.
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