I'm also semi-talking to Rhett... one of the nice things about him is that he seems to be up when I am, a lot of the time. Makes my life much better.

Yes, today I need my life to be better. Let me go into a bit of detail about this - I started to last time but didn't have the patience for it. Right now the cramps are driving me to write, so... might as well, neh?

Last night I was seriously depressed. As in drinking, frustrated, aroused, sad, hormonal, and REALLY stressed-out depressed. I didn't get to sleep until around 9-10 in the morning. Caleb, before he fell asleep, tried to cheer me up... he suggested we go out for a picnic, up to the mountains, go to this place where you can look INSIDE a stream, have some fun... nice togetherness, a chance to get out of the house. All good, right?

See, he had to get up at 11:45 to leave in time for a tutoring session. So we agreed I'd get to bed when I could, he wouldn't wake me up when he left, but that he would wake me when he came back... or so I thought.

He didn't wake me. He came in, saw me sleeping, and decided I must just want to sleep, since I wasn't up. How the hell would I have gotten up? I'd barely gotten 4 hours of sleep at that point, he hadn't made any noise, and obviously since the alarm was set for 11:45, I wasn't gonna be hearing it go off at a useful-for-me time, right?

So I woke up at 5:00, late enough that I couldn't call the doctor - he knew I needed to do that - or call the college - again he knew it was needed. I ran upstairs, panic, stress, I thought he was dead in a ditch or something... and no, he was sitting upstairs, laughing and joking with Eamon and a girl who had dropped by. *shrug*

Pissed me off to no end.

I came downstairs... and this is just a female thing here, but dammit, he didn't come down fast enough! He saw me, heard me say I was pissed, heard the door slam... and waited around for a while before coming down. OK, that is NOT the attentiveness I'd like to see when my SO has just done something that not only scared the crap out of me, but ruined what I REALLY needed to be a good day, turning it into something rather hellish instead.

It's not a big thing, in the grand scheme of things. I can make calls tomorrow. We DID go out to dinner (although I ended up having to blow part of the money I'd been saving for Kadin's arrival, in order to pay the bill). And tonight we watched a horror movie with Scott.

See, that... it doesn't make it OK. It was nice. But it wasn't the ONE THING I'd been holding onto all night, the thing I woke up hoping for, it wasn't what he had promised me. It wasn't what I wanted.

Last night I fell asleep with my arms around him. I told him "Thank you for making tomorrow better than today." I woke up... and he'd lied.

*shrug* This is the same thing that has bothered me before. Kadin did something like this once, he knew I needed something from him, something simple. I just needed him to keep track of time for me. That was all. Just needed him to tell me when it had been an hour.

He didn't. I missed my lunch break, was disappointed... it's not that it was horrible. It's not that it killed me. It's that it shows so very, very clearly that he wasn't thinking, wasn't paying attention. And yes, I honestly DO believe that I deserve a certain amount of attention. More to the point, I believe I am due the attention people promise me. If you tell me that you don't care, make it clear, up front... sure. I won't expect much from you.

But if I have reason to think that you SHOULD pay attention, if you belong to me or say you love me or even say you're 'trying' to please me... then dammit, stop just trying, start actually DOING!

It's not that hard, I swear it's not. It doesn't take incredible talent, or money, or anything. It just takes enough common sense to learn that when I ask something, I want an answer. Enough care to actually follow through on your promises. Enough brains to figure out that if I say "I don't know what I'm going to do..." that it means I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO, not that I hate you, that I'm going to leave, that I have already made up my mind. It means that my mind can be changed. By YOU.

It's not that hard.

Don't fight me... I hate to be fought. Yeah, in play, it can be fun... but days when I'm quiet, distracted, when the world seems to be hitting me harder than usual, that's not the time for play. Not for games. Not unless I ask for them, ok? I'm... gah. I'm not perfect. I'm easily guilt-tripped, I'm a sucker for puppydog eyes and good begging, I'm a pushover for whimpers and pitiful looks and a nice, polite 'please'. But I'm also pretty good at saying 'I want this', or 'I want that'...

...except for those few things I think should be obvious.

Here they are, you who read... if you care, if you want me to think you care, actually, just for ONCE, pay attention.

If you want something from me, ask for it or beg for it. Don't just say "I don't care" and expect me to know what you want.

If you promise me something, keep your promise.

If I ask you for something and you can't give it to me, say so. It's ok.

If I ask you for something and you CAN give it to me, do so. Don't say yes, then change your mind... and above all, don't forget you agreed.

If I'm having a lousy day, try not to piss me off. If I'm already pissed off, the best thing you can do is say "I'm sorry you feel bad, is there anything I can do to cheer you up?"... but only say that if you are honestly willing to do something to cheer me up. Don't just be polite.

This is going to sound strange, considering how I normally feel... but I would honestly rather you ran than offered something out of politeness that you weren't really willing to give. See, if I want sacrifice, I'll TAKE it. I have no qualms about that. It's what I do.

I don't want that, not all the time.

Sometimes, some days, all I want is someone who is honest, and truthful, and who is willing to just sorta curl up in a corner. Maybe listen to me rant about what is wrong, make sympathetic noises. Maybe even take a bit of pain for me, although goddess knows that's optional. Maybe nothing more than just be there, within earshot... so I know I'm not alone right then.

*shrugs again*

A lot of ranting, there. And like all my rants, it's a mood, nothing more. But it's truth, too... read it, and maybe forget it. Just don't lie to me. Don't say you read it, you'll do it... and fail.

I don't WANT you to fail. I never do.

I want to have you succeed, to be proud. Everyone I care about, I want to be proud of. I want to be able to sit back and say 'yeah, that is someone who is really impressive'... you've heard me brag. I like doing it.

I'd actually rather not be disappointed.

I'd rather not watch you fall.

I'd rather not watch you at all.