I'm being all tempted to go Furc-ing... gods. Was talking with Caleb and realized that I have been susupiciously polyfidelitous...? I have NO idea if that's how it is spelled, but what it MEANS is being loyal to your partners, but having several of said partners. Like normal fidelity/monogamy except with several people. And NOT something I thought I'd ever really be into - this is me, the Queen of Fucktoys, yes?

*blinks*

But I was talking with Caleb, remember him? ...and realized that the only people I'm doing ANYTHING serious with these days are those I'm attached to. I flirt with and tease others... but... yeah. I haven't even yiffed in quite a while.

Weird.

Maybe I'm loosing my touch?

Or maybe it's just that with the boys I have, the love they give me, and how much I desire them... I have no real need for anything else other than temporary amusements of the milder sorts.

For the record, this still IS a rather long list of people I would have sex with given half a chance, in alphabetical order (I hope):

Alex, who I do love and who still makes me smile at the most ridiculous moments... anyone who named an ice cream flavor after me automatically gets sex and snuggles.

Caleb, who I am going to marry, who I love with all my heart and soul, and who is really truly wonderful and amazing. I am completely serious - I COULD NOT find a better husband anywhere. He is perfect.

Christina, a delightful and delicious wench with a mohawk, a taste for BDSM in just about every form, and an imagination that quite rivals my own... I am REALLY looking forward to seeing just how loudly we can make each other scream. *purrs contentedly*

Kadin, my slaveboy and love, who holds a portion of my heart that I thought I'd lost when Al X left... yeah, I still think of Al X, we know that, but let me put it this way: Kadin's on this list. Al X is not. *GRIN* Kadin, and all his facets, are one of the reasons I get up in the morning. He is a delight.

Nick, the bard, Elru... who I still love, yes. *soft smile* Flamma Astra isn't dead, isn't gone... she's just waiting for him to wander through her life again. No, I don't think he and I will ever be mates in the legal sense... but he's another one who is always welcome in my home and heart.

Nreshan, who I am still determined to get my claws into someday, if only long enough to make him have a GOOD day for a change. *grin* No, it's not love... but he's a friend, and I really do care about him and worry about him and DAMN but I'm curious to find out how good he is in bed.

Torian, my cat, someone who has earned my respect and admiration and love a hundred times over. Like Kadin, he is MINE - my slave - and I treasure his submission more than I will ever be able to express in words...

...and it's now 1:57 am. As you can tell by the time I STARTED writing this, I was... distracted... for a while, there. Still am.

Things going through my head.

A livejournal entry I posted, that people responded to, and I want to respond to their responses.

A boy hurting... I needed his pain. Needed to feel him suffering. And - I thought - he needed to hurt. He'd asked to hurt himself.

My heart shattering, crumpling. No, it's not his doing, not His doing, not anyone's doing but my own, really... and for all I know, it's just another mood swing. Hell, I didn't even finish my list, technically...

...no words.

Because the one with all the words has always been Raven. The one with the knack for turning simple thoughts, sharp, pure ideas, into words so perfectly matched with emotion and thought that they meld, burn, searing their way into the minds of those she tries to communicate with.

She's always been the one to see beauty in everything, to try to show others the wonders and marvels she sees.

She's always been the one with the words, aye.

And she still is.

Just... she seems to have stopped seeing beauty. In anything. We thought, I thought, that letting her help with something would shake her back out of this, bring her back to herself.

No.

She... is colder than the rest of us, right now. It's like everything in her that believed in love and beauty and happiness and pleasure is gone, ripped out. It can't be permanent; the rest of us still feel love and affection just fine.

I'm not going to write for a while... not the way I used to. Not until I've got my imagination, my creativity, Raven, back to something I'm willing to see looking back at me from a mirror.

Part of me... right now, I hate myself. And want more of the very things that cause this hate.

My head hurts.

I...

...I don't know what I want, exactly. Or rather, I don't know how to put it into words.

Staring at a blank page, and seeing a picture, but not even knowing where to begin if I wanted to draw it there.

No words.

Nothing.

Dead inside, still.

How can I be so happy one minute, then, just by thinking for a few seconds about something, become so miserable? There's gotta be an 'off' switch for this.

...I crave...