I've discovered that it REALLY bothers me to watch her hurt her boy... partially because I can't stop it, partially because I can't participate in it, but MOSTLY because as far as I can tell, she doesn't care that she goes too far. She doesn't even see it when she hurts him. She doesn't realize what a beautiful creature he is, doesn't focus... it's her pleasure, not his, and although that's in theory the way it works, NO. Not like that. She needs to focus on him.

I want to take her and just spend a week teaching her how to make him breathless and happy and aching the RIGHT way. I need to teach her this, because he loves her, and therefor I shouldn't/can't be the one to give him this.

Gods... protective instincts suck sometimes. I want to break him, I REALLY want to break him, but she loves him. He loves her. And I can see it in the way he reacts to her touch, he belongs to her. Just wish she could see it as clearly... I know she doubts, sometimes. She doesn't need to.

He's asleep right now, and I'm going to be here when he wakes up but I'm so very not going to do anything, not unless he asks. I want him happy and I want her happy - she is a truly incredible person (and snugglenibblefun).

I'm missing Arrasto - Mikey has some weird multimessenger running and I'm not going to try signing in as me because of that. I'm missing Caleb - I want to call him, I really really want to call him and tell him all about my week. I'm missing Daris... my creature would understand the tangle I'm in right now. Hell, he might be feeling it.

And I'm having the allergic reaction from HELL, my whole body is swelling up, I have hives all over, my eyes are swelling shut, I can't breathe... Mikey, being a wonderful person (and Scott, I still love you), walked to the 7-11 and got antihistimines and jelly beans for me. *grins*

No. I'm not doing him. I WANT to, but... see, as long as I'm mixed up with one or more of his roommates, he's staying out of it. Which is rational and good and I respect that.

And honestly? I still wanna fuck him senseless. *grins*

The cub - my new name for him, he is now the cub, and I will not refer to him as anything else if I remember - the cub has already triggered my protective instincts and is occupying a large place in my mind. I don't need any more complications either.

Still wanna fuck him.

He's sitting behind me on the sofa at the moment and tormenting the crack-kitty over here.

I miss kadin... I want him here to show her what a well-behaved boy is like. I want him here to show the cub, to TELL the cub, what it's like being truly owned and truly happy... and how hard it is. I want him here because right now ALL I actually want, right this second, is to curl up and fall asleep with one of Mine.

Another reason I am not likely to actually get/do Mikey: he won't ever be mine. He is his own person, and I respect that... but... see, I like the ones I can trust, and it's hard to trust ones who aren't mine.

I am REALLY doped up on vicodin and benadryl. Twitching. Hyper. Amused. Stressed. I want to go curl up with the cub and sleep... or find a snuggleplace out here and be petted... or drink coffee and such...

...and Mikey knew Angel.

Gods.

I hate my life sometimes. I love my life sometimes. This is... odd.

Drug haze.

Jax haze.

I want my boys, because I am point-blank refusing to do anything with ANYONE until I can have my Caleb again. *sighs*

Want him. Want my Caleb.

WANT MY CALEB.

Argh.

Oh, for the record (I have no idea what this record is, but hey): I can work out my own sex life thank you very much. I'm not good at figuring it all out, but I'm starting to realize that I'm better off asking and talking directly than relying on second- and third-hand opinions... Grr, you are the exception to this because you know me, you aren't directly involved in the way most people are... etc. Loves for the Grr.

I need a good vibrator.

No... what I NEED is to feel comfortable going in and wrapping myself around the cub. Human touch. I need human touch.