This.

...the pain... the blood...

Aye, music again, songs and words and slowly I build a dream to live in for these few priceless moments before dawn. Without this... I shudder to think of the darkness I could and would fall into without the sweet harmony of the melodies spilling from mismatched computer speakers and the so-tantalizing fragments of emotion and action poured into a Messenger window by someone so far away and yet so close to my heart.

Caleb... Kadin... there aren't words for how much I miss you two, there never have been. Silent so often on the phone, the words flying away... half-lost between the lines of text, having to imagine the gentle touches, the snuggles and cuddles and little gestures, the sounds of the ones I love simply living, existing, BEING, there beside me... I miss you.

I'd such wonderful hopes. The letter that accompanied the latest miracle said I should use it for pleasure, for something fun. Seeing you, either, both, that would indeed be something pleasureable and fun... and necessary as well. I need you in my life.

And now... the pain management appointment that I've been hoping for, afraid I'd have to wait until October for... I've got it. Now. Here. And it's a good thing; you know it's needed, I know it's needed. Yet still there's an ache, knowing that yet again something I'd hoped for, talked of, near-promised... yet again it falls through. Good reasons, good intentions, and still I curl up, wishing for nothing more than your company.

One thing saves me from that, my boys... one thing, one person, one voice that is keeping me company tonight and taking the pain, the frustration, and the rage I so badly need to pour out right now.

One other who I would truly love to bring here, to visit there.

One other I want to share my life right now.

It is his velvet tongue, his imagination, the talents he brings to bear whenever commanded... all of this that makes him a fitting distraction and a pleasing slave. I've bragged of you both often enough - you are in so many ways my life, the center of everything I hold dear, my loves, and you know this - but now I want you to meet him, not for the first time perhaps... but for the first time as a collared, owned slave.

Owned. Collared.

Yes.

For the first time, he is not merely a playtoy, not merely a passing amusement, not something to be forgotten.

Perhaps there would be smoother, easier ways to do this. ...and then again, perhaps you will not even see this entry, perhaps it WILL wait until we can talk, or even until you meet him.

But for now know this.

Torian is indeed mine. He has more than earned the collar he now wears.

...tonight, he pleases me, distracts me, makes me smile, lets me forget the thing I dread tomorrow and the pain of distance and missing you both...

...but as you know, I miss you still... love you still...

*curls up, smiling softly, faintly, one hand resting above her heart*

My fiance' and my First Slave... I look forward to once more spending time WITH you, rather than missing you... and I look forward as well to introducing you properly to Torian.