I really do.

I'm holding it together, right now. I'm still playing with Alex online. Still smiling.

I haven't said anything odd. Really.

And I haven't broken anything, or anyone, not at all. Not even a little bit.

But my stomach is cramping from fear.

My heart has those icky bands tightening around it.

Breathing is hard, not because of the sore throat or the sniffles (both of which are still present) but because of my worry.

Because of a letter.

Because apparently, at some point, I owed OHP money.

And so they're refusing to give me health care.

Ok, all the time that I've had OHP, I have been making WAY under the federal poverty guidelines. You aren't supposed to have to pay anything.

I called them the first time I got a bill. The person I talked to checked my records, said 'there's been a mistake, I'll take care of it'.

And I believed the bitch.

And I've been not worrying. The bills stopped showing up. I figured hey, all well and good.

And now this.

Apparently they decided that I DID owe for the bills they sent.

And apparently they didn't tell me this.

Didn't tell me this WHEN I WAS IN THEIR GODDAMNED OFFICE AND THEY HAD MY RECORDS UP ON THE COMPUTER.

Didn't bother telling me ANY of this when I could have said hey, ok, I'll either pay it or you can talk to the office, check my income history.

Nope.

They tell me NOW.

Now, when they've already decided not to accept me.

Now, when I can't do anything about it.