Seriously, though. I expect a lot of people. I know it's not fair to expect so much, partly because I can't always live up to their expectations of me, partly because my expectations are not always based on what is most rational, on what is best for them, but on what I want and need and what seems good at the time, and partly because... well, honestly, because I know that by setting up those expectations, I am leaving open ways to be hurt... and the people I care about, the people I have these expectations of, they don't want to hurt me. *sighs*

It's a catch-22, for them. Try to live up to unfair demands, thus potentially hurting themselves... or refuse to try, thus hurting me.

Incidentally, it doesn't help that although at times like right-this-minute I can think about it rationally, realize my guilt, and want to change; five minutes from now it will be all hunger and lust and hope and my desire to change will be lost in a flood of even more expectations.

Why am I on this topic at all?

Kadin, and Arrasto.

Right now, Caleb is about as safe and happy as it's possible for a Caleb to be without a snuggly Jax curled up in bed with him. I get to talk to him, I know he's alive and working at a job he likes, and although I miss him enough that it makes me cry, enough that I sit in his chair for hours sometimes, just because I can still smell his scent in it and around it, I'm not WORRIED about him. My Caleb is safe.

My health... ehh. Just saw the doctor. Realistically, there is nothing I can do right now to change anything. I've scheduled my appointments. I'm taking my medicine. What is, is.

My worries about Alex are tangled up with my submissive urges as well as my domme ones, which (since currently my submissive urges are trying hard to stay hidden) makes them fairly easy to distract myself from.

My worries about Kadin and Arrasto, though... those are 100% domme. Protective, posessive, demanding, and the sort of fierce worry that sets a wildcat to quite brutally slaying ANYTHING that comes near her kits. *wry grin* Yes, some of my urges are closer to a mothering instinct than to anything sexual. Just as badly as I want to hurt them, to use them, to satisfy my hungers and ease my pains with their submission, I want to protect them, to take care of them, to make their lives as easy and pleasant as I can.

So, because of that desire to protect them, when I realize how much damage my expectations and needs can cause, it worries me. It frightens me. It upsets me.

I want to keep them safe... hard to do, when the one thing I am SURE can and will hurt them is myself.

Much confusion.

But then, when is a Jax not confused?