I've ranted a lot about this and that, pieces of me...

...me is a switch. Me is slightly MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder, for those who aren't already familiar with and/or living with the term) and I did it to myself on purpose. Me is deranged, chaotic, overdramatic, and certainly not normal by anyone's standards.

I want, need, crave, desire, a Master.

I want, need, crave, desire, a slave.

And in my boys, I have found MOST of what I need, MOST of the time... this doesn't stop me from having extreme fantasies that swing one way or the other, and every now and then when I'm feeling really low, I more or less put myself up for auction.

Not because I intend to run off with any of the men who answer... gods, no. I love my boys. *grin* But because a) it reassures me of my worth, pathetic as that is... b) it satisfies my need to feel like property, or does sometimes... and c) every now and then I find a rational and sane gem among the clods.

Yes, I'm searching for a Master.

But most of what I need from a Master, what a Master could give me, I already have in my boys, in what they give me. Most of the things a Master could do, or be, or teach, or give, or show... they can too. And they satisfy my need for slaves as well, they fill that hunger.

I am a switch... sometimes I would swear blind that I'm really a sub under it all. Other times I would swear to every god in existance that I am Domme at heart, and always will be.

The truth of the matter is that for me, right now, I need both. NEED.

It's not a 'game', not just some fun little extra that gets thrown into my life sometimes... I hope that someday it will be.

I don't understand why it matters so much to me, but it does.

My boys... Caleb and Kadin are owned, first and foremost. Nick and to some extent Alex own me, first and foremost. But I know, know without any doubt, that if I were in the company of ANY of them and suddenly needed something else, some other side of them... they would do their best to provide.

And yeah, sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes it's not enough. They love me, they don't want to hurt me... *wry grin* ...this is why I appreciate Rhett so much. He gives me the pain that they can't, often and wonderfully.

And sometimes I need more submission than they are willing to give... and so I have other pets online, Hida and Seit and to some degree the Wench.

And sometimes it's some... other... need... hard to put into words, but always, always, always Daris is there. He amazes me.

A wonderful lady left me a note wishing me good luck on my search for a Master... I appreciate it, and yes, I hope I find the man or men who can Master me completely at times.

But I've already found partners, friends, lovers... four people I trust. How many other women are so fortunate? Not just one, not even two... but four. Four of the most wonderful men in existance. *grins*

I'd say I've already found more than any woman deserves to have, and I'm extatic about it.