If I had but worlds enough, and time... or even a good thesaurus handy... I could go net crawling, I suppose, looking up words, but I know I wouldn't find them. I need paper and the scent of old inks, for this. Something physical. Something solid. Something real.

I feel like a little child staring at a huge mobile... confused by the spinning colors, the motion, the so-obvious balance of what looks like an imbalanced structure. Everything topsy-turvey, none of it what I expected. None of it something I know how to handle. I am lost inside this all.

If someone you see as a bit of a role model, almost a hero, if he falls, what does that say about the likelyhood of you being able to keep standing? I don't think that makes sense, but I know what I mean.

Nothing to say. No words... But I watch him fall and it feels as if I am the one who is toppling off a cliff. At least if I beat him to the bottom, I can catch him? *sighs*

Destructive. I remember that word from a report card at the home schooling group. I was clever and bright, but 'destructive', because I'd take things apart and knock over block towers, because I would get other kids in trouble. *shrugs* Grown ups had it all wrong. The block towers were ones I built - I was going through the natural cycle. Build, destroy, build again. The other kids got in trouble because I didn't try to stop them... then I got blamed, apparently because I was the only one NOT actually causing problems?

I don't understand life.

I don't understand much of anything, at the moment.