But I'm posting it here instead of replying in a letter. I'm making it public because I've already made fucking everything else public. I've tried to be honest. I've tried to be open.

I don't want any lies and any doubt.

*shrugs softly*

I just want him back.

Gods...

He says he loves me... but he's gone.

He says he left, not because of me, but because of... what? Something. He won't explain. Won't say what. And I'm supposed to just accept this?

Yes. I'm hurting. I am hurting a LOT. I had a night full of just about every bad dream I've ever imagined...

...and damn you, you were in them all, always just around a corner, or just out of sight. You were the captive that dies in the bizarre recurring space dream. The one I can never manage to save. You were the person I was chasing in the horrible mines, the ones I dream about where I am trying to find the one person who knows the way out and can never quite find him.

Usually they are nameless, faceless people... people that are just incidental... and when I wake up the pain from the nightmares is simply that I didn't succeed, that I couldn't survive.

This time I couldn't protect you. I couldn't find you. I couldn't do anything to tell you that I was here, that I missed you, that I wanted you, that I loved you.

In the worst dream, I didn't die. The only nightmare where my death didn't end it. No... I got to live for-fucking-ever. Knowing you were gone.

No thanks.

Don't tell me that you love me
don't take me to that show
don't tell me you're the chosen one
'cause I don't want to know...

I do want contact. I miss you.

But this.........

You tell me you love me. You tell me you miss me. You tell me I misunderstood... and then you tell me that there's some deep dark secret that you think will 'break me'. And that you're never coming back.

And I guess I half-expected that last part, even if I hate it. But not the first two... and gods, boy, I've told you how much? I've tried to explain what? I'm sitting here with everything out in the open, the shit that I never want to say, never want to explain, never want anyone to know... I told you. I tried to explain it to you.

Please... if you're going to claim some reason other than the obvious ones for leaving, at least try to show me that there IS a real reason.

Because otherwise, as far as I can see...

...you're still leaving me.

You're still...

Gods. I hate this language. I hate it.

Lient sa krest teto... kor'len. Sheln. Iri sa shiren, tharn, tequeo nre sa torian dosai zair linta, tequeo t'lesh... t'lesh, theunre, satao epeta. Lient shan teto, nolas... *sighs* Iri sa doseln. Kintre. Tis'tai wesai la doseln pto'fela.

Kquen cirent... tis'tai. Iri anor canea.

*sighs again*

That's... closer.

I think.

*curls up, sighing*

...tis'tai, kquen shan teto. Tis'tai, sen-tis'tai...

...please, don't leave me here alone and aching. Don't leave me with this horrible taste in my mouth, with the hope that you DO care, that you DO love, that it DOES matter... and your words that hint at something else... you want me to hate you, to forgive you, to be willing to see you walk away?

Then tell me you hate me. Tell me I disgust you.

Make me believe it.

It won't be hard.

I'm already halfway to that belief.