In Pain, As So Often Happens
Previous - this entry written on November 22, 2001 at 9:08 pm - Next
So I'm not what... someone... wants.I'm too much me, I guess. Part of me hurts because of that (most of me just hurts because of the stent, nasty evil tube-in-my-kidneys), because I'm not good enough for him. Part of me knows it's for the best. Part of me is lecturing me on how I never should have tried. That I don't deserve to be that happy... or that used... or that anything. I'm a very confused Jax, as always. Oh, and I was right about the rapist, but let's not talk about that, ok? Let's not talk about anything. Let's just sit here and whimper for a while 'cos it hurts so damned much. I can do that. I'm GOOD at that. I have to update and read emails in bursts. I can't stay sitting up for more than a half-hour without crying. Tomorrow I'm headed back to the hospital if this doesn't fix itself. Too much pain. Too little vicodin. I HURT. I keep thinking that I'm getting used to the pain, then it flares up from some new direction and leaves me even more miserable and closer to tears again. The operation was supposed to make it all better. They lazered the stone. It took over an hour to break it apart - the narrow tube that runs between the kidney and the bladder in me is VERY curvy and gave them shitty access to it. Tricky. And now the stent-thing is trying to straighten that tube for me. Painfully. Forcibly. OW. I'm gonna go lie down now.
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