An Open Letter - to someone who may never see it
Previous - this entry written on 2001-06-14 at 10:56 p.m. - Next
I love you, Kadin. I love you a hundred times over. I love you so much that seeing you for even a moment when I know that I had decided not to speak with you is enough to leave me in tears, wanting you, wanting to command you to stay... but I know that you couldn't stay anyway, even if you had pleased me, even if you had been obedient. I know that I decided to teach you, to make sure that you were still what I need so desperately.
It hurts, seeing you disappear.
Are you crying right now, theunre? Are your tears falling as fast, as hard, as mine? I want to hold you right now, I want to wrap my arms around you, comfort you, tell you that it's ok... reassure you. Kquen jedite, never a failure, not in my eyes. I know no other way to spur you on - simple requests seemed to have no effect, you disobey even simple commands, you seem to have ignored my words.
I want you to learn... I just wish it didn't have to hurt you so much, gods, my pet, my boy, my love... I want to take away every second of this, to make it easy for you, to just let you relax and live life as if you were a normal, free boy. I can't, though... not if I want you with me. I know what I do to free men - ignore them, kick them out, send them away... or break them. I want to keep you with me as you are, as a slave but one who chose that place, that position, that life...
...and I want you to realize that sometimes it will hurt.
When the week is over, when you are back in favor... if you are back in favor... I intend to have you read this. I want you to know that even when I am angry with you, even when I am so disappointed with your behavior that I find myself forced to send you out of my sight, even then, I still love you. I still want you. I still wish that you were with me. I simply know that to let you near me right now would get you hurt even worse, would hurt me even worse, and would fail to teach you anything.
I wonder if you know how much your poor behavior hurts me, boy? Are you even aware that I am, right now, so frustrated and so upset and so... so hurt... that I have resorted to throwing pottery? You know how rarely I actually do that. You have me in tears, slave of mine. Congratulations. It's also a rare thing.
I love you, Kadin. I miss you. And currently, I despise you. Such an odd contrast...
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