...tell me one more time
that you'll live
lost in my eyes
whenever, wherever
we're meant to be together
i'll be there and you'll be near
and that's the deal my dear
thereover, hereunder
you've got me head over heels
there's nothing left to fear
if you really feel the way i feel...

Lots of songs swirling through my mind, dancing and singing, the music is drowning out most of my thoughts, which currently is a Very Good Thing. Thinking bad. *sighs*

Ok, so it's not really BAD, just painful. Doubts... I have a lot of doubts.

Am I doing this just to get something, is this all some complicated sham? Because gods know I've thought up complicated plots before. But if this were just some nifty scheme would my stomach still be tied in knots, would I STILL be disappointed and angry and hurt when I think about it, would I really care this much? Didn't think so. *sighs again*

What will happen when the time is up? What if he doesn't take the first option I suggested, doesn't ask for other options or if he does, doesn't take them, what if he doesn't think of anything, what if he really can't learn or can't be trusted, what then?

Such beauty... such potential... such talent and skill... graceful, clever, and words to make an angel cry (and you would not believe how literally I mean that sometimes). All that. And yet I get so upset about such a little thing.

It's not little to me. It matters to me. He said he would do something, and did not. He agreed to obey, and then turned around and did the opposite. He even said that he'd realized, when the moment came, that he was disobeying... and didn't care. Didn't think. Didn't bother doing what he'd said.

Now you look at that, and THEN tell me it's just a little thing, that I should trust him and forgive him and just forget about it. You convince me that I should get over it, that it doesn't matter, that of COURSE he's a perfectly wonderful human being and that little mistakes like that are irrelevant... and certainly the fact that when it happened, it felt like the world was crumbling and that what I believed was falling apart... that's meaningless too, right?

*wry grin* Not working, is it?

That's where I sit.

I know what it takes to make me feel safe. I know what it takes to make the pain stop inside my head and my heart. I know what it takes to 'fix' this.

What I don't know is if he will realize any of this, if it will make a difference.

I guess I don't know if I trust him, still, again, whatever the word you use. I want to trust him. I want this to be over with and I want to go back to joking and laughing, talking about music, parents... gods, that long explanation I gave, all of that... perhaps I should have listened when he asked if I was sure I wanted to tell him such things.

No... no regrets there. I did want to tell him, I do want him to know. I do want him, plain and simple.

*shrugs slowly*

Most of the world can just ignore this entry, really. Drama, right? Just more of the drama that makes my own little corner of the universe go 'round. Ignore it, forget it, it's not about you and it doesn't really matter.

It just matters to me.

And maybe, hopefully, to him.

...everything�s so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody�s empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
i cannot live at all...