- - 9 - What Makes God Smile? - -

Point to Ponder: God smiles when I trust him.

Question to Consider: Since God knows what's best, in what area of my life do I need to trust him more?

*I actually had to spend a good five minutes trying to stop snickering before I could write anything even remotely serious, sadly. More thoughts regarding Deities, Masturbation, and EXACTLY why there was a Flood.*

Great, so he's pleased when I trust him. Thing is, I DON'T trust him. I don't recall a single time in my life when prayer (at least prayer to him) has gotten a response. I don't remember faith ever being a comfort. I don't trust his translators either. If I want my boys to do something I don't play a fucking game of "Telephone", I TELL them. None of this translations and versions. No holy wars. Nothing but direct communication. How can I trust or have ANY faith in a God who does less? I mean, he's GOD, right? Getting a message across shouldn't be that hard for him.

*sigh* I still say this book is one extended BDSM gabfest... and I never, NEVER wanted to be bound to a Master who ignores me, doesn't use me, doesn't teach or train or answer me.

I know what a good D/s relationship is like... and it starts out with communication, building trust, with the Dom/me establishing control, simple lessons.

This... no. There's no starting point, no REASON to submit that isn't just circular logic: we should believe in him because he is God. Because we believe in him, we know he is God. Hell, again, made-in-his-image, right? Internet.

Remember that old line... IRC, where the men are men, the women are men, and the 12-year-olds are FBI agents. And he wants my trust ?!

I am not willing to be part of a relationship that doesn't go both ways. I've given him chance after chance... but nothing. If there is a God, why isn't he paying attention? If he loves me, why won't he show it in a way I can recognize?

- - 10 - The Heart Of Worship - -

Point to Ponder: The heart of worship is surrender.

Question to Consider: What area of my life am I holding back from God? What am I afraid of?

*after underlining that last bit*

I'm afraid of the Christians.

Seriously.

I believe that if my moral and ethical choices aren't MY OWN, they don't matter. I believe that who I love is a personal decision, not deciding who I love but only whether I will accept and act on that love, or run from it...

...and I don't intend to run.

This entire chapter, submission, surrender, I KNOW this. I know it inside and outside, above and underneath. I know how important submission is - I know also how many ways it can go wrong.

There's a book, a basic S&M manual, that reads in the "Advice To Submissive" section a lot like this chapter reads. Not coincidence... but the bible leaves so much OUT.

I find it kind of funny... long late-night conversations with God/myself/the wall, explaining how happy and grateful I was for the good things in my life, asking for something, a return address for all of this, wishing that there had been anything in my life that would let me believe.

Nothing.

I'm trying it again, writing it down in black (well, blue) and white-ish. God can do anything, right?

*note - my mom is on that no-carb diet right now*

If he can get my mom to order fish and chips for herself today, I think that would work. I CAN'T believe in something mindlessly...

...I wouldn't want a slaveboy who would submit to the first person that bothered to order him around. If God loves me, if he thinks I have potential worth... and if my submission and worship and trust is something of value to him, he should be willing to claim them.

If he could do it to Saul, he can damned well do it to me.

- - -

And if he doesn't?

*shrugs* Then I can go back to the 100% snarkfest I'd prefer to be writing right now.

Of your anger
Your ignorance
Your blindness
Your greed
Your progress
Your conquest
Your mania
Your need
Your sorrow
Your sickness
Your final, parting breath
Your hatred
Your bloodshed
Your future
Your death

I will have none!