Worried about Caleb, about Kadin, about Grr, about me. Wondering what to do next. What to say. Wondering if maybe I'm wrong. If maybe this is all my fault.

Poor planning. Laziness. Unrealistic expectations.

Kadin makes me WANT oral sex... and hates giving it. I don't understand this, or wouldn't, if it wasn't for the fact that I MADE him hate it on purpose. I thought that he would be like everyone else. Too gentle, or too rough. Focused on 'getting me off', but not in the right way. Lousy. Not even worth training.

I was wrong, and now I'm kicking myself.

Last night I expected to fall asleep snuggled up to my Caleb, fucking him until we were both satiated, then snuggling together, Kadin in a cage, sleeping, so sound, happy, CONTENT.

Content.

Caleb went home. I stayed at Grr's. All NOT according to plan. Bad. Bad, bad, bad. Very bad. I don't understand. How in the world........

...but it'll be OK.

It has to be ok, doesn't it? Stress... I can deal with stress. I can cope, I've done it before. I don't want to loose Caleb. I don't want to loose Kadin. I REFUSE to be in a situation where I have to choose between them. That will not happen. Either they both keep me... or maybe neither of them does. *sigh* I don't understand.

Why am I so angry? Oh, yeah... because Caleb is being a momma's boy. Because Deb is being hypocritical. Because I KNOW that part of this really IS bad planning and poor preparation on my part. Because I just want to hold my boys, watch silly movies, drink cold soda pop, and tease the cat.

Because I still haven't updated Phyl's web page.

Because I still haven't turned in my OHP paperwork.

Because I still haven't cleaned the apartment completely.

Because I hate myself again.

Kaine's right about one thing - I don't deserve Kadin. I don't even deserve Caleb. But if I have them, if I'm going to keep them, DAMMIT, I must be doing something right. They love me. I love them. Why isn't that enough to keep us happy?