Neither is this, but if I don't write this out I'm going to keep staring at my razorblades and listening to "Crimson And Clover" a few too many times and I'll just end up falling apart again.

Sometimes I think that starting out, taking the steps upward and OUT of this mental and emotional and physical mess, are much harder than just staying where I was would have been. Heh, sometimes, who am I kidding? I KNOW it would be easier. I also know it'd leave me even more fucked-up than I already am, in the long run, and I don't think I could bear that.

Physical problems: every time I eat now, I end up spouting blood out both ends and dealing with horrible stomach and intestinal pain for about three hours, sometimes longer. UTI is taking quite a while to die, and coughing up blood and bile means my throat isn't recovering any faster. I have an appointment with my Primary Care Provider (yes, I have one now, FINALLY) on the 18th of next month. Yep. That IS the soonest they could get me in. I am likely to end up going back to Urgent Care, if not the E.R., within the week.

Emotional problems: In addition to missing my boys, being physically separated from them, I am intigrating the Tiger into this tangle of a relationship. At least on this side of things, that's going... as smoothly as can be expected, I suppose is the best way to phrase it, although it's far from smooth and is, in fact, very frustrating for us both. Part of it is that until this week, neither of us had much computer access, which drives ME bugfuck nuts, and leaves him a bit on edge too. He can get online at work, and occasionally I could snag Grr's computer, but FINALLY there are two functional and functioning computers here in my room. Right now I'm on his - bigger moniter and better games. *grins* However, this leaves him and I both, until now, out of contact... which means that I've not been able to really get him talking much with Caleb, Kadin, and Torian.

See, I want them happy too, and him happy, and am NOT going to give up my happiness... geh. Tangled, tangled, but my heart aches at the thought of being truly without any of them. Away from them is bad enough.

My voice and throat are still kinda iffy - talking for long hurts, and it's leaving me VERY grouchy.

I'm tired, I'm stressed.

We know all this.

And... if you don't already, go read Daris. And his take on me, yes. And... yeah. To some extent he is right, he's one of the people I have promised time to and fallen through.

ONE OF.

I really wish all of you who have been complaining of a lack-of-attention would get the hell together, form a support group, and maybe pull your collective heads out of your arses long enough to notice that NO, NO ONE has been getting much attention when I'm sick and mostly-computerless. *arghs* Point of frustration, yes.

I still have a lot to do, and I do mean a LOT. I'm writing up the proposal for getting my tubes tied, trying to track down the dates and records for EVERY problem I've had in that area of my body, trying to find a doctor who can see me sooner than the 18th, figuring out rent, dealing with the current round of health problems, trying to set aside enough time for loves and friends, and oh, hey, did I mention we have saucer-sized SPIDERS here? *twitches*

No sleep for Jax.

No food for Jax.

No painkillers for Jax.

This is not easy or fun to deal with.

Where was I? At this point I don't even remember, and did I mention yet that pain makes coherant ANYTHING difficult? No? Consider it mentioned. I swear, I'm more alert and better-spoken when I'm drugged. Sad.

Things to do. Oh, yeah. Mail, talk to Deb, and I need to see a psych again. I am really not handling the stress-and-depression well, and having someone to talk to and possibly something anti-depression will REALLY help. I know that getting rid of more of the stress will ease up the stomach problem, if it's a bleeding ulcer like it seems to be.

Heh. On the bright side, most of the Invader Zim episodes are on this computer.