Trusting.

Faith... I would have sworn I was still out of it, sworn I was past this stupidity, believing in someone, trusting in someone, but I'm smiling and it's because a long-ago voice is ringing now in my ears, old emails re-read, old emotions bubbling up to leave me breathless.

It's been a long 24 hours, it has.

...and do it - you just did...

I find myself wondering what it'll be like, travelling. Wondering how many old friends I've never seen will finally be there face-to-face. Wondering if I'll cry myself to sleep most nights... or if he will... or if maybe, just maybe, we'll find peace in each other, that perfect stillness.

He knows who I am, what I am, knows who I love and why.

And I trust him.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for anyone who seems to be the male counterpart of everything I am and everything I want to be. Maybe he's real. Maybe I'm dreaming. Maybe this is the point where I finally step off the cliff edge I've been edging closer and closer to for years.

Caleb... my boy... my love... the one thing that won't change, no matter what upheaval comes into my life with this. Last night Scott and I were hanging out and it occurred to me that even when he - Scott - goes off on monogamy and loving one person and devotion and all of that, it actually doesn't bother me, and why? Because no matter what my life looks like... I know one thing for sure. When I say 'home' I'm thinking of an apartment in California... because 'home' always, always has a long-haired blond with a fuzzy mountain-man beard and a sweet voice, sharp fingernails, warm arms, everything I love about him... he IS home, for me. I love Kadin. I love Torian. In a rather twisted way I love Rhett, and even Scott... I love my friends, I care about a lot of people...

...but Caleb is home. Caleb... is real. Nothing changes that.

Knowing that... it feels easier, walking off this cliff edge, trusting someone new, taking a deep breath and diving into an ocean I've only ever dreamed of before now... because the person I'm trusting, he knows this too. Knows that there's nothing ANYONE could do to make me love Caleb any less.

And that no matter how much I love Caleb... it won't stop me from falling head over heels from someone new as well... trying new things... living... enjoying... Hunting... listening... talking... sitting beside a fire, listening to tales of a Dragon Lady I'll never get to meet.

It's a strange world, it is. And I like it, all of it. I can live in this world, I can.

Today is, unexpectedly and suddenly, a good day.