Foolish.

Stupid.

I read back over what I've been writing for the past week and all I can see is a long line of glaring idiocy. What happened to my certainty that I wouldn't fall for this one? What happened to the promises I made myself, that I wouldn't beg, wouldn't be hurt, wouldn't CARE?

Where did that go?

I want him so badly that it hurts, yes. So what? I'm used to pain, I can deal with pain, right? And which is better, the hurt that comes with wanting him, or the hurt that will come if I have him, if I hurt him to balance my own pain, if...

...oh, fuck this. I don't need to explain my psycoses to the universe, I really don't. What I need to do is gather up the fragments of my mind and stitch them back together, then figure out what to do.

First things first.

No more whining about how I can't have him. NONE of it. I CAN have him, from my point of view. No more moral dilemmas. Fuck those, too. Done with it.

No more complaining about the fact that I don't have him. *shrugs* My failure or his choice, either way, what's done is done, yes? He knows what I want, I've made it f'ing clear enough. No more hoping. No more hinting. No more god-damned useless, frustrating, infuriating PLAYING.

I know what I want and what I need right now, and it's NOT a little tease who can't make up his mind. All that gets me is endless frustration and two cramp-inducing wet dreams, which thank you, but NO. I'll pass. Either I get what I want or I need to STOP wanting it, this middle ground is going to kill me.

So.

Next decision?

Work. I AM going to get a job. I don't care if I have to spend eight hours a day crying my eyes out, I have to do something. At this point I'm on borrowed time - thanks to my parents I BARELY covered last month's bills but that's the end of their help. If I don't find a way to make money then it won't matter who I love or who I want or who I hate... I won't have any way to talk to any of 'em.

This decision stuff is easy.

It's sticking to it that is going to be hard, yes.

See, somewhere in the back of my mind I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, he'll decide one way or the other and TELL me. Maybe the college will let us teach three classes next term. Maybe I'll get some actual web design work. Maybe, just maybe, I'll find a way to support myself that won't leave me in so much damned pain that I not only cry myself to sleep but cry myself awake too.

Been doing that too much lately - the crying myself awake bit. Between the pain and the nightmares... yeah.

NOT my idea of fun.

*sighs... looks back over this entry*

This is written in anger. And written by a very specific part of me who I had thought I had locked up. This is somewhat not good.

Please don't take all of this at face value... even now, I know I'm going to post it but I also know that my mood is changing again, I'm locking away my anger and my pain again, I'm going to keep coping. I'm not going to let that part of me ruin what little goodness I have in my life right now.

He's online. At least I know he's alive and safe.

I'll try to settle for that.

I will.