Deb has been pointing out to me that a LOT of my Domme tendancies can be quite neatly traced back to - guess who? - my mother.

She was the original controlling, manipulative bitch. True, she wasn't honest enough to use whips and chains. True, it was all emotional manipulation, subtle put-downs and insults, the sort of bizarre controlling that only a powerful churchgoing parent can manage... but in my formative years, what I saw in a woman was that.

Controlling.

In power, somehow.

Strong.

And I don't want to be my mother. If there is any part of my dominant urges, any part of my sadistic habits, that is in some way me copying her, modelling myself after her, I want it GONE. I want this to be ME, to be something I do because I want to, because I enjoy it, because I need it, because it is fun or feels good... but NOT because Mommy Dearest was Just Like This.

I don't want to be my mother.

So the real question is, who DO I want to be?

I want to be Vicki. I want to have more than one husband, to have a happy and reasonably well-kept home, to be able to be bitchy and demanding when I want and otherwise to get along with my mates and my friends.

I want to be inarticulate, who has managed to take care of three children, who is able to keep going even through distractions and disasters. I want to be that balanced, that able-to-cope.

I want to be Deb, in some ways... I want a happily pagan household where people feel warm and welcome, someplace with a big fire and soft furniture and archaic decorations.

I want to be Akasha, known for my writings, a dominatrix in my own right but also a normal, powerful, COPING woman. I want to be able to have a successful business life, or a successful homemaker's life, or even both.

I want to be healthy. So much of my world revolves by necessity around my health... I want to be WELL, to be able to work or play or relax without thinking about this injury or that illness or the other problem which just won't go away.

I want to be strong... I want to be powerful... but I don't want to have to manipulate, to over-control, to bully and whine, to get it.

I want to earn it... and keep it...

I want to be ME, a happy and healthy version of me.

That's all I want.