REALLY damned tired.

But every time I lie down, I toss and turn, which isn't fair to Caleb... I keep him awake with my own sleeplessness, and I hate doing that. It always bothers me just a little bit when someone else is tossing and turning but won't either wake me up all the way or get out of bed... so I feel shitty if I do it to someone.

Particularly Caleb, who is wonderful and doesn't deserve a lot of the crap I make him put up with. *hugs for the Caleb*

Anyway.

Been reading someone courtesy of the unsent site - checked out the older entries, read through a pawful, and if I end up going back, I think I'll add this slice of foul-mouthed derangement as a favorite. Not sure yet, though. I just cleared out my favorites list a bit, I took out the dune-fan even though I still read... his? her? whatever... stuff. But since it updates so infrequently, I figure if I check it the same way I check a good ten other diaries (ie once a week when I think of it), I'll be fine.

I can't sleep. This sucks.

Tomorrow I'm going to go talk to the people at the government offices... I am so very tempted to say fuckit and just get the OHP application, fill THAT out, leave it at that... the food stamps, which I feel guilty for even thinking about, are a hassle and something that I could prob'ly survive without... but... really...

*sighs*

...really, until and unless I can get my health turned around, I CANNOT work at anything that takes me out of the house, I CANNOT work at anything at all consistantly... even the graphics I'm doing for the Bound website, I have to work on in fits. *grrrrr*

I want to be better, this sucks.

See, if I can't work at 'normal', well-paying jobs... that means very damn little money. And with very damn little money and a house that leaks hot air like a sieve and winter coming up... yeah. The electric bill is going to go through the roof. Not to mention that we still owe several thou to VISA, 'cos that's what we lived off LAST winter.

So honestly? I need the food stamps. I need to do SOMETHING or the entire household is either going to go bottoms-up... or Caleb will move back upstairs, and I will be more or less thrown out on my ear.

Which means going back to live with my parents.

Which means no internet access. No buffy. No Kadin, no Nick, no Caleb, no Alex. No pets. No Masters. No friends save Scott, and he's likely to be moving away.

And d'you really think they would let me see Angel?

Well, they wouldn't have a choice... if I get stuck in that dead-end town again, damned if I'm going to try to stay away from her... hell, dealing with her will likely keep me from slitting my wrists out of sheer boredom.

*sighs again*

Hm. I think I'm a bit depressed. Not sleeping and having my hands trembing so bad that I can barely type will do that to a person.

*pads off to go attempt to make Photoshop function, if that doesn't work, perhaps attempting bed again*

Argh... and I've got a phone call coming in an hour and a half. Why the hell did I agree to a morning call?