Growing up, I kept saying I intended to have a life without any regrets. No matter what I did, what happened, what I forgot, who I was with, ALL of it... I wouldn't regret it. I was bound and determined not to be my mother, not to be my teachers, not to be the petty little people living petty little lives that didn't matter... not to be one of the people who spent their whole lives wishing things were different.

...if you knew what I'm left imagining...

For the most part, I really don't have any regrets. Confusions and health problems, wins and losses... most of it has worked out. Most of the time I'm happy, content. This emptiness, it's only temporary. The depression goes away and I stop feeling like I want to die. No more hiding, no more curling up in a little pile of misery. It goes away, sooner or later.

Until it does, though...

...I miss Rhett. Of all the odd things to be feeling right now, that's the main one. I miss Rhett. I miss him because of all the people I know, he's the only one who not only understood my darkest places, he had them too. He knew me. Knows me. I miss him. It's not the same sort of irrationality that got tangled up with Angel. It's not the 'I'm not good enough' schpiel. It's just me, remembering. Wishing. *shrugs* I don't think he's perfect. I just think that right now, if I could curl up beside him, things would be ok.

I don't even know how to put what I need into words, or I'd ask for it. I don't know how to describe it, or I'd share it. I don't know why it's here, or why it keeps coming back, or what it does. I just want it to end... and at the same time I want it to deepen, strengthen, until the world ends, drowned in the shadows and blood and hunger and need, turned into something new. Phoenix fire.

...when the world ends...

It's almost impossible to express myself when I hit this point. I keep trying, I can't help it, if I don't type or sketch or do SOMETHING I think I would shake myself apart from the feelings tumbling through me, I keep trying but nothing comes out right. If I could somehow put a song, a picture, a story, a motion, a temperature, a color and a scent and a texture, all of it somehow in one place... maybe I could get closer to it, then.

...when the world ends...

That's part of it, see? I want it to end, when I feel like this. It's almost as if I've seen everything worth seeing, felt everything worth feeling, after this everything is anticlimactic. I just want it over with. I want to see what happens after all of this is through.

Maybe I just want the perfect silence.