...right, time for a nice stiff drink...
Previous - this entry written on July 14, 2005 at 1:00 am - Next

This is a continuation of sorts, of my last entry...

- - - - - -

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right


And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

- - - - - -

We aren't leaving this. Damn it, it wouldn't be right. Wouldn't be fair. It's hardly his fault we're panicking.

Which 'this' d'you mean?

Any of them. None of them deserve to have us running out over a bad day.

Day? Try week. Or two. Or month. Fuck this.

No. You know as well as I do that this is us. Not them. And that we'll get over it soon enough, if we just hold on.

Oh, screw that.

- - - - -

SupaSkot: Jax freaking out? Say it ain't so!
thatstrangegyrl: *blink*
SupaSkot: You okay love?
thatstrangegyrl: ...not particularly, no.
SupaSkot: Willing to explain?
SupaSkot: I haven't been your shoulder in a while...I think I'd be okay to do that if you needed.
thatstrangegyrl: Had a hell of a lot of things happen at once. Kinda overloaded.
SupaSkot: "things" is a general statement...any more detail?
thatstrangegyrl: Inari, Rhett, Kadin, Puppy, Symphony, Ryan, Becca, Candice, Kat... *counts on her fingers* ...oh, and Caleb's freaking out.
SupaSkot: I recognize 6 of the 10 names...
SupaSkot: So, why are they all freaking out?
thatstrangegyrl: Inari - current Dom. Symphony - chefboy. Puppy - long story, Kadin's fault. Kat - good friend.
thatstrangegyrl: They're not all freaking out. Rhett emailed me out of the blue after over a year of no contact and me at the point where I was pretty sure he was either dead or gone for good.
thatstrangegyrl: Inari bought a fucking collar.
SupaSkot: Inari is trying to collar you full time>
SupaSkot: ?
thatstrangegyrl: Caleb was freaking out and is still seriously depressed.
thatstrangegyrl: *nods*
SupaSkot: *shaks his head* I give him a month tops...
SupaSkot: If he can't manage throught he Jax balance levels, then it just doesn't work. Trust me, I'm fully aware of it.
thatstrangegyrl: Oh, he'll be lucky if he gets another 24 hours.
thatstrangegyrl: He bought a fucking locking steel gorean collar.
SupaSkot: Eh, you'll string him along, with the highs and lows for a while yet.
SupaSkot: Though that won't be how you take it...
SupaSkot: ...Sorry, I've had a touch to drink. My teeth are disintigrating and are in much MUCH pain.
thatstrangegyrl: *hugs* Not a goodness... and no worries. I'd far rather talk to you tipsy than just about anyone else sober.
thatstrangegyrl: Mostly 'cos you understand, and point out when I'm being stupid.
SupaSkot: Well, I am as blunt at a Mack Truck falling down Mount Olympus...
SupaSkot: ...and I love you and adore you.
SupaSkot: You don't do well with a full time Dom, love. You never have. mostly because the basis of a Dom is total control, and you can't give that.
SupaSkot: At least not for any expanse of time.
thatstrangegyrl: I want to, and every fucking time I think this is the time it'll work... and this has been closer than anything else. Close enough that it's been weird. But he bought a collar, and asked for promises I can't make, and dammit, I thought he understood...
thatstrangegyrl: ...meh. Should know better. Every damn time, should know better. ANd still make this same stupid mistake.
SupaSkot: They never do...because to be what you want, they can't understand.
thatstrangegyrl: afk for a sec.
SupaSkot: [23:48] SupaSkot: Anyone who would compromise with you for control isn't forceful

- - - - - -

...and anyone who wouldn't compromise with us for control isn't someone we can stay with for long. Catch 22.

So what the fuck do we do?

Same thing we always do.

NO. Not this time. You are NOT gonna do that. None of it. Panic all you want but we're not fucking going anywhere. Period. Flat out. Not happening. This is the closest we've ever come to having it right, and if we can hang on through this nothing is gonna shake it apart.

Can't do this.





...is Seriously Not Cool. Too much at once. Either we shut down for a while or we run, I at least am not gonna try to hang on through this shit.

He is trying his best. He doesn't want to hurt us.

And it's hardly their fault that this was such bad timing - it simply happened.

Hell, even what she said... just timing. Accident. It'll be ok.

If we can't believe that, there's nothing left.

This... happens.

You're unnerving Caleb, which again with the Not Cool.

- - - - -

That whole Conversation thing isn't working. Too much chaos.

- - - - -

The thing is, I know this is my fault. My hangups, my freakouts, my overload, that everyone else involved is doing their best and that it's not their fault that I'm kinda sucking at coping with it all at once. I mean, take the collar. We'd talked about it. It's the collar that, were I collared, I would want - I like the look, I like the concept, I like the way it's made, the whole package. I knew he would eventually buy it. I just... now? Why now? Why when it will be months before we have even the possibility of meeting? Why when everything else is going down too? Why when I just spent a week in pretty much full Domme mode, and am still half in that mindset, and he KNOWS that?

Or Rhett. Rhett. God fucking dammit, RHETT. There have been days when I would have begged to have a few words from him. Hell, I've posted, over and over, wanting to talk to him, hoping he was ok, honestly afraid he was dead and that I'd never know for sure. Then out of the blue, today, he messages me. Less than an hour after Inari announces he's bought the collar, I see that email. I... again, not his fault, not my fault, just bizarre timing. Fucked-up. Inari asked if I thought Rhett would... affect he and I.

How could it not?

Though for that matter, I don't know that ANYTHING will be affected. Fuck, for all I know Rhett's going to say hi, announce he's Found Jesus and is now some weird offshoot of the Mormon religion and that he wants to send me pamphlets. I don't KNOW. I'm sitting here waiting for an email that could be absolutely anything and in a lot of ways it's worse than the not-knowing... the anticipation is damn near painful.

I know that being the one on top isn't easy. I know damned well. I know that as a sub, frankly I'm a hell of a lot more trouble than anyone is worth. I know that this is an old, old pattern for me, one that I have yet to manage to break. I find someone... and for a while it seems to work, for a while that balance is there... and then I frighten, I spook, and I run.

I know what it is I keep looking for.

- - - - -

...and the music slows, melody and harmony coming together, the sounds of a violin and a piano whispering in unison, the piano slowing to a meticulous tinkling string of chords, and her voice, strong and sad all at once, following the music, riding with it.
I love you today and no other
Don't ask me 'bout tomorrow
I love you but
Tomorrow never comes

The Long Run, Daniel Keys Moran

--and grinning, with feral red eyes and wet sharp teeth, there was pain.
The Long Run, Daniel Keys Moran

This world has emptied me of all but the oldest purpose: tomorrow's life.
Dune, Frank Herbert

Once there was a thief, and the thief was God.
The Long Run, Daniel Keys Moran

- - - - -

I know that when morning finally gets here, I'll still be here to greet it. Strength... yes, I'm taking it. It was offered and I need.

Doesn't make it easy. Just possible.

I hurt.

I will not run.

And no. I don't particularly want to talk about it yet. I'm still having a hard time breathing.

..take my tears and that's not nearly all...

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