Relaxing In The Aftermath Of A Few Genital Sneezes
Previous - this entry written on September 18, 2005 at 4:50 am - Next
*stretches, purring softly*
Funny, this feeling. I mean, I'm still tense, still worrying about quite a few things, still dealing with Random Crap, still PMSing... so many problems, so many little stresses... and yet. I'd almost forgotten what this was like, honestly. Being able, unhesitatingly, completely, to scratch every itch. Not... not wanting what I can't have, actually getting what it is I want, satisfaction and contentment and that little purring growling smiling feral part of me curled up in the back of my head, sound asleep for the first time in a long time. I'd forgotten how good this relief FEELS. It's physical. It really is. It's what most people describe a really good backrub as feeling like - that same sense of muscles just unknotting.
I've been with Inari, Inari's, for what is for me quite a while now. We've had a couple of massive trouble spots, but overall it's been pretty good. However, as is often the case with me, having a Dom in my life led to me wanting, seriously wanting, the sort of submission that most people can't even consider offering. I spent a lot of time over the last few weeks missing Kadin, missing him a LOT, enough that it hurt sometimes even to talk to him online, to see his name on Messenger, to think of him at all. There've been a couple nights when it took literally all the willpower I had not to try to get him back. There's been at least one night where that willpower slipped, just a little bit. It... was starting to unnerve me.
But I realized one of the things that I missed. Something I'd never put into words, not until recently. The ~lack~ of pressure in the relationship I had with him. I missed that. I missed being with someone who no matter what we did or didn't do sexually, I never felt guilty about it, not rationally, not irrationally. It was honestly MY DECISION, and if 90% of the time I'd rather torment than fuck? That was ok. No pressure. No stress. No points where I felt like shit because I just didn't WANT to have sex but couldn't bring myself to say it, no days when the thought of sex made me want to scream with impatience but I tried to go along with it anyway, no...
...no guilt. No regrets. Nothing but the certainty that if I wanted, needed, to fuck him I could, and if I didn't? I could spend all day, or all week, or all month, just snuggling, or teasing, or wandering off to fuck someone else, and when all was said and done he'd still be there, content to curl at my feet.
I've really missed that.
To a LARGE extent I have that in Caleb. He doesn't generally pressure me - the few times he asks for sex I'm usually either excited by the idea or my reason for saying no is something like a kidney stone, and so I don't feel guilty. When we do have sex, it always satisfies, always leaves me smiling. But... part of me, even if it's irrational, DOES feel guilty when I use what little time where I'm interested in Actual Sex to fuck Inari, or Nreshan, online, or even just to masturbate to get the physical relief so I can sleep/game/whatever without being in as much pain or as distracted. He does so much for me and I DO enjoy sex with him so much that when I do something else I can't help getting the occasional (or not so occasional) guilty twinge. *sigh* part of that whole 'love' thing.
So why am I suddenly so content? Why is it that I've spent today, and yesterday too, for that matter, on the whole absolutely at peace?
Because I've gotten exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it... with no pressure the rest of the time. I've masturbated twice, both times just to get my cramps to ease up, both times without distractions or the pressures that sex puts on things. I've fooled around a bit online with Nreshan, I've snuggled and teased a bit with Inari, I've played with Ryan and talked with Nick.
All that's nothing new though, not really. And I guess that what made it perfect isn't new either, exactly, but... ehh. Things have hit a whole new level. The combination of talking, and gaming, and RP, and teasing and domination and submission and demetia and in-jokes and the fact that not-really-fucking him... satisfies... the way Kadin can? That's new.
He really has earned his name.
Some things never really change... but some things are just the foundations for a universe of changes.
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